SpinTunes 18 Round 2 Challenge: 'Escape the Grid'
Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2021 10:24 am
First chunk, more to come.
Daniel Sitler - Work in Progress
I enjoyed your use of the challenge in service to the manic depressive theme. That was a great idea, and you mostly realized it. I didn't get the idea of you being in a manic state until you got to the slow down part. This might have been more effective had the uptempo part been a little more manic, so you had further to come down from, adding more contrast. Only when you got to the slow down part did I figure it out. Might have been fun if there was more manic-ness.
I got a little tired of the melody being so centered on the same three pitches. Except for the harmony parts, you only stray from those three pitches occasionally. One great example is that in both the fast and slow parts, the melody is pretty much unchanged. The manic part, as well as being faster, could have also used a great vocal range to get the point across, leaving the three-pitch melody to just the slow part.
Lyrically, mostly works, I'd spend some time cleaning up syllables. And similarly to the comment above, I don't really get a sense of your needing to slow down when you get to that part. It might have been more effective to have vivid and specific examples of manic things you are up to. For example, having a hangover and staying in bed don't seem like things from which you need to slow down. Phrases like "giving it my all" are cliche and too vague. Giving it your all at doing what exactly? I want to see a lot more specific imagery so I get what you're talking about.
Production-wise, all solid. I don't know that you got much mileage out of the a cappella section with the stings starting at 0:49 because you aren't such a dramatic singer that your voice can hold the fort on its own without instrumentation.
Chas Rock - The Show
This one is mostly pretty successful. I like the idea for the song, and the cheesyfunky groove is just the right approach. I can totally see this guy out there.
The chorus is really effective, being the first moment where you make a chord change at the same time as new melodic material is introduced. Really catchy, and switching from long complete-ish sentences to individual words works really well. Congrats on that.
I do have some problems with some of the lyrics, and I think they need some fixing, to skirt around some of the eww factor.
First, I think the multiple references to butt cheeks are taste-challenged and are a turn off for me. Makes me feel sorry for the guy, and making fun of his body is kind of a cheap shot. Let him be a terrible dancer and leave it at that.
"This banger fucks and changes up" ←- what does that mean? If you're going to earn an Explicit Content warning on your album, better be worth it.
A dad kneeing his kid while dancing is also taste-challenged, not funny, and certainly would incur way more than an "oops". I don't know if you're a parent, but my guess is not, because that would stop the entire dance right there. And then the kid is crying and he asks if the kid is stupid from the first knee..... you lost me. Not funny. I want to root for the guy who's letting is freak flag fly at a happy occasion, but by the end of the song I sort of hate him.
Sara Parsons - Rewind, Retry
That gradual slowing down effect, while extremely simple, is quite effective, I liked that a lot. This is a purely aesthetic nitpick, but if it were me, and I was taking a call out in the parking lot of this wild party bar, the change would feel shocking and sudden, not slow and gradual like you've depicted. The slowing down effect doesn't feel viscerally like what hearing that news would be like for me , I think.
I also really like how it's close to the same tune when it gets to the slow part, and your varied performance in the two different sections is convincing both times
I like these lyrics. You have a good idea, and express it pretty clearly. A few lines I have trouble with, "wildin like a damn fool", I don't think 'wildin' is very illustrative of anything,
"fucking party" Ask yourself, does it lose any meaning if you just say "Life is a party"? I also hear you having to rush a bit to get that line out. Needs fixing. That's just me though. Swears are powerful and loud and better be really motivated for me to like their use. Not a prude thing, just that it usually demands our attention in a manner that often gets in the way.
"She's gonna get admitted / So I gotta move my car" This is a great example of a nicely specific and illustrative lyric. I liked that line a lot, and the syllables scan perfectly. In the midst of all the head-spinning trauma, we are still expected to perform mundane tasks like moving our car reminding us that we are still surrounded by non-traumatized people. That always strikes me about hospitals (and courtrooms, btw) Everyone there is either in a very unique unforgettable traumatic and rare experience, or else is in a completely mind-numbing routine. There is almost no in-between. Those two lines reminded me of that whole thing, so thanks. Such is the power of a good lyric.
I'm not convinced that "Did things go too far / Did everyone go crazy" are the right lines there. I would ditch those completely, because it makes it sound like your friend got sick BECAUSE of the wild lifestyle, but in the notes you said it was cancer so that's not really accurate.
See-Man-Ski - Sleep
There is a big mismatch between the music and the subject matter here. This does not sound like a song about a child tiptoeing in and crawling into her parent's bed, and the tempo change doesn't feel motivated by it either. It's also over too soon for this potentially evocative image to come across. I'm afraid this one doesn't work for me, sorry.
Stacking Theory - Escape the Grid
Massively infectious chorus. Had it not been for a few missteps, that chorus alone might have put you over the top. The first time I heard this song, when you got to "I'm trying to escape the grid", I thought "Uh oh, if he repeats this V IV I chorus with those BG vocals I have no chance." And you did, and I despaired.
However, I am clinging to hope that the things that didn't work for me in this song will also bug the judges. Here are said things:
The biggest problem for me was that the two parts seem unnaturally stitched together. This is what I feared I would be hearing with this challenge, and you succumbed to that pitfall imho. All of a sudden you slow down (Despite your bpm claims in the note, it doesn't really read as a tempo change, because it's fairly close to simple half-time. Were I a judge I'd mark off points for that I think. You weren't really going slower, you were just playing fewer notes.). But the bigger issue is that there isn't enough contrast between wanting to escape the grid and actually being in the waves. Same instrumentation, for one thing. To make this evoke a sense of abrupt change of locale, I'd suggest invoking some different tonal color, a synth we haven't heard yet, or a harp or whatever. Something to better indicate we are now in a new place. And harmonically it's the same V IV I which was infectious in the first half but feels more just slow than relaxing in waves.
Truth is, this is a good problem to have. The first half is so much fun that I'm not in the mood for a tempo change. You painted yourself into a corner of catchiness.
Lyrically, I like the phrasing of the verses in the first half. The way that fourth line extends beyond the length of the first 3 lines is super satisfying.
I think the whole Archimedes bit is stretching too hard to be clever. Good as the first idea come up with, but had this been my song I would have written that verse in my little notebook, then told myself "I can do better than that", hoping I was right.
I wish there were some kind of section in transition. In the first part you're saying "I want to escape the grid" and in the second part it's "I did escape the grid". It's like you just jumped to the end. A bridge where he talks about actually getting out of the grid would go a long way.
This song worries me in terms of competition.
Jealous Brother - Uncle Jerry
This feels like a medley rather than a single song with different tempos. It starts really strong. But the abrupt change in tempo for "out under stars" comes too soon I think. I want another verse after the first four lines, if not more. I think you shift tempos much too soon.
But my real confounding with this song is that that tempo changes don't seem well-motivated. The section where he's going 20, 30, 45 etc is where the tempo should start increasing. Why didn't that happen? Seems like an easy choice.
Then you actually SAY "They have to think fast", right when you go slow. Huh.
I really like the chord progression in that break right after George slams it down. I want a lot more of that. Niice.
Then I'm left a little underwhelmed by the story itself. Why did they paint it red? The car's been painted before? That's all kind of confusing.
Like I said, lots of interesting things going on that I like, but feels like a bunch of good ideas smooshed together because you needed a tempo change song.
Sober - Waiting for the Crash
So of course you don't really need reviews here, you know what you're doing, so comments here are merely personal preferences had I been collaborating on it, as opposed to suggestions for improvement.
I'm not crazy about the growly Tom Waits voice, it feels forced in a few places. A little goes a long way. Less.
The line "If you ever get used to sleeping in a real bed" and the next one, that couplet, had me stumped for a while. I think what you mean is "EVEN if you get used to...". Yeah? If so, that 'even' is important in clarifying the sentiment. Another micronitpick is that "If you ever..." line implies that the next line should be "You WILL keep living your life...". IF you do this thing, THEN you WILL do this other thing. Make sense?
The Dutch Widows - An Awkward Mend
I think there's a pretty good song hiding in there, but this iteration doesn't quite hit the mark for me.
First though, despite all your apologetics in the song bio, I found the tempo change pretty nice, not an awkward mend at all. Sometimes a "snap" tempo change is just fine. I very rarely have the nerve. So though you missed the mark on other things, the thing you were apologizing for turned out just fine for me. Go figure.
I was pondering about why the lyrics in your chorus "I did it all..." were so very unspecific and bland, yet that was working for me in this instance. And yet the line "It is so frustrating" doesn't work for me at all. Why is that? I don't know. But I am freely hereby contradicting myself with the next two comments:
1. I like the chorus lyrics with "I did it all" etc. Even though I normally don't like vague pronouncements like this, in this instance it works.
2. I don't like the line "It is so frustrating" because it is a vague pronouncement and not specific or interesting enough.
But here's why this song didn't make it for me. The pinched guitar drone is fine, but maybe a little hot. But both the lead and the secondary vocalist have that same pinched quality to them, so the overall sonic experience of the song in the aggregate is akin to a fire alarm. So the whole song is this hot electric color, and it's grating after not very long at all. The drastic EQ on the vocals further highlight that midrange color. Makes me long for some cooler, rounder tones somewhere.
The chord progression is nice, but it feels like you are kind of trying to bury it among the guitar drone vibe.
Daniel Sitler - Work in Progress
I enjoyed your use of the challenge in service to the manic depressive theme. That was a great idea, and you mostly realized it. I didn't get the idea of you being in a manic state until you got to the slow down part. This might have been more effective had the uptempo part been a little more manic, so you had further to come down from, adding more contrast. Only when you got to the slow down part did I figure it out. Might have been fun if there was more manic-ness.
I got a little tired of the melody being so centered on the same three pitches. Except for the harmony parts, you only stray from those three pitches occasionally. One great example is that in both the fast and slow parts, the melody is pretty much unchanged. The manic part, as well as being faster, could have also used a great vocal range to get the point across, leaving the three-pitch melody to just the slow part.
Lyrically, mostly works, I'd spend some time cleaning up syllables. And similarly to the comment above, I don't really get a sense of your needing to slow down when you get to that part. It might have been more effective to have vivid and specific examples of manic things you are up to. For example, having a hangover and staying in bed don't seem like things from which you need to slow down. Phrases like "giving it my all" are cliche and too vague. Giving it your all at doing what exactly? I want to see a lot more specific imagery so I get what you're talking about.
Production-wise, all solid. I don't know that you got much mileage out of the a cappella section with the stings starting at 0:49 because you aren't such a dramatic singer that your voice can hold the fort on its own without instrumentation.
Chas Rock - The Show
This one is mostly pretty successful. I like the idea for the song, and the cheesyfunky groove is just the right approach. I can totally see this guy out there.
The chorus is really effective, being the first moment where you make a chord change at the same time as new melodic material is introduced. Really catchy, and switching from long complete-ish sentences to individual words works really well. Congrats on that.
I do have some problems with some of the lyrics, and I think they need some fixing, to skirt around some of the eww factor.
First, I think the multiple references to butt cheeks are taste-challenged and are a turn off for me. Makes me feel sorry for the guy, and making fun of his body is kind of a cheap shot. Let him be a terrible dancer and leave it at that.
"This banger fucks and changes up" ←- what does that mean? If you're going to earn an Explicit Content warning on your album, better be worth it.
A dad kneeing his kid while dancing is also taste-challenged, not funny, and certainly would incur way more than an "oops". I don't know if you're a parent, but my guess is not, because that would stop the entire dance right there. And then the kid is crying and he asks if the kid is stupid from the first knee..... you lost me. Not funny. I want to root for the guy who's letting is freak flag fly at a happy occasion, but by the end of the song I sort of hate him.
Sara Parsons - Rewind, Retry
That gradual slowing down effect, while extremely simple, is quite effective, I liked that a lot. This is a purely aesthetic nitpick, but if it were me, and I was taking a call out in the parking lot of this wild party bar, the change would feel shocking and sudden, not slow and gradual like you've depicted. The slowing down effect doesn't feel viscerally like what hearing that news would be like for me , I think.
I also really like how it's close to the same tune when it gets to the slow part, and your varied performance in the two different sections is convincing both times
I like these lyrics. You have a good idea, and express it pretty clearly. A few lines I have trouble with, "wildin like a damn fool", I don't think 'wildin' is very illustrative of anything,
"fucking party" Ask yourself, does it lose any meaning if you just say "Life is a party"? I also hear you having to rush a bit to get that line out. Needs fixing. That's just me though. Swears are powerful and loud and better be really motivated for me to like their use. Not a prude thing, just that it usually demands our attention in a manner that often gets in the way.
"She's gonna get admitted / So I gotta move my car" This is a great example of a nicely specific and illustrative lyric. I liked that line a lot, and the syllables scan perfectly. In the midst of all the head-spinning trauma, we are still expected to perform mundane tasks like moving our car reminding us that we are still surrounded by non-traumatized people. That always strikes me about hospitals (and courtrooms, btw) Everyone there is either in a very unique unforgettable traumatic and rare experience, or else is in a completely mind-numbing routine. There is almost no in-between. Those two lines reminded me of that whole thing, so thanks. Such is the power of a good lyric.
I'm not convinced that "Did things go too far / Did everyone go crazy" are the right lines there. I would ditch those completely, because it makes it sound like your friend got sick BECAUSE of the wild lifestyle, but in the notes you said it was cancer so that's not really accurate.
See-Man-Ski - Sleep
There is a big mismatch between the music and the subject matter here. This does not sound like a song about a child tiptoeing in and crawling into her parent's bed, and the tempo change doesn't feel motivated by it either. It's also over too soon for this potentially evocative image to come across. I'm afraid this one doesn't work for me, sorry.
Stacking Theory - Escape the Grid
Massively infectious chorus. Had it not been for a few missteps, that chorus alone might have put you over the top. The first time I heard this song, when you got to "I'm trying to escape the grid", I thought "Uh oh, if he repeats this V IV I chorus with those BG vocals I have no chance." And you did, and I despaired.
However, I am clinging to hope that the things that didn't work for me in this song will also bug the judges. Here are said things:
The biggest problem for me was that the two parts seem unnaturally stitched together. This is what I feared I would be hearing with this challenge, and you succumbed to that pitfall imho. All of a sudden you slow down (Despite your bpm claims in the note, it doesn't really read as a tempo change, because it's fairly close to simple half-time. Were I a judge I'd mark off points for that I think. You weren't really going slower, you were just playing fewer notes.). But the bigger issue is that there isn't enough contrast between wanting to escape the grid and actually being in the waves. Same instrumentation, for one thing. To make this evoke a sense of abrupt change of locale, I'd suggest invoking some different tonal color, a synth we haven't heard yet, or a harp or whatever. Something to better indicate we are now in a new place. And harmonically it's the same V IV I which was infectious in the first half but feels more just slow than relaxing in waves.
Truth is, this is a good problem to have. The first half is so much fun that I'm not in the mood for a tempo change. You painted yourself into a corner of catchiness.
Lyrically, I like the phrasing of the verses in the first half. The way that fourth line extends beyond the length of the first 3 lines is super satisfying.
I think the whole Archimedes bit is stretching too hard to be clever. Good as the first idea come up with, but had this been my song I would have written that verse in my little notebook, then told myself "I can do better than that", hoping I was right.
I wish there were some kind of section in transition. In the first part you're saying "I want to escape the grid" and in the second part it's "I did escape the grid". It's like you just jumped to the end. A bridge where he talks about actually getting out of the grid would go a long way.
This song worries me in terms of competition.
Jealous Brother - Uncle Jerry
This feels like a medley rather than a single song with different tempos. It starts really strong. But the abrupt change in tempo for "out under stars" comes too soon I think. I want another verse after the first four lines, if not more. I think you shift tempos much too soon.
But my real confounding with this song is that that tempo changes don't seem well-motivated. The section where he's going 20, 30, 45 etc is where the tempo should start increasing. Why didn't that happen? Seems like an easy choice.
Then you actually SAY "They have to think fast", right when you go slow. Huh.
I really like the chord progression in that break right after George slams it down. I want a lot more of that. Niice.
Then I'm left a little underwhelmed by the story itself. Why did they paint it red? The car's been painted before? That's all kind of confusing.
Like I said, lots of interesting things going on that I like, but feels like a bunch of good ideas smooshed together because you needed a tempo change song.
Sober - Waiting for the Crash
So of course you don't really need reviews here, you know what you're doing, so comments here are merely personal preferences had I been collaborating on it, as opposed to suggestions for improvement.
I'm not crazy about the growly Tom Waits voice, it feels forced in a few places. A little goes a long way. Less.
The line "If you ever get used to sleeping in a real bed" and the next one, that couplet, had me stumped for a while. I think what you mean is "EVEN if you get used to...". Yeah? If so, that 'even' is important in clarifying the sentiment. Another micronitpick is that "If you ever..." line implies that the next line should be "You WILL keep living your life...". IF you do this thing, THEN you WILL do this other thing. Make sense?
The Dutch Widows - An Awkward Mend
I think there's a pretty good song hiding in there, but this iteration doesn't quite hit the mark for me.
First though, despite all your apologetics in the song bio, I found the tempo change pretty nice, not an awkward mend at all. Sometimes a "snap" tempo change is just fine. I very rarely have the nerve. So though you missed the mark on other things, the thing you were apologizing for turned out just fine for me. Go figure.
I was pondering about why the lyrics in your chorus "I did it all..." were so very unspecific and bland, yet that was working for me in this instance. And yet the line "It is so frustrating" doesn't work for me at all. Why is that? I don't know. But I am freely hereby contradicting myself with the next two comments:
1. I like the chorus lyrics with "I did it all" etc. Even though I normally don't like vague pronouncements like this, in this instance it works.
2. I don't like the line "It is so frustrating" because it is a vague pronouncement and not specific or interesting enough.
But here's why this song didn't make it for me. The pinched guitar drone is fine, but maybe a little hot. But both the lead and the secondary vocalist have that same pinched quality to them, so the overall sonic experience of the song in the aggregate is akin to a fire alarm. So the whole song is this hot electric color, and it's grating after not very long at all. The drastic EQ on the vocals further highlight that midrange color. Makes me long for some cooler, rounder tones somewhere.
The chord progression is nice, but it feels like you are kind of trying to bury it among the guitar drone vibe.