j$ wrote:Niv, do you still have that 'Nur Ein - Guide for Judges' joke handbook I wrote a few years back? The year Eric Y and FBF went to war with each other? Maybe it's time to give that an airing ...
OMG. This has existed for years and J$ is finally allowing its airing:
The 10 Steps of being a Nur Ein Competitor:
Stage 1. Complain about challenge / title while remembering to compliment the other for fear of alienating some of your potential votes (at least one judge picked the title and challenge and they so obivously partial that you might lose votes)
Stage 2. Imply the judges are biased against your music, so you don’t stand a chance, or imply they are biased in favour of a competitor.
Stage 3. Don’t forget to remind everyone how little time you had to record the song, or about recording equipment limitations, or how hard the challenge is making your life.
Stage 4. Return to the boards to pick apart the challenge / title semantically and post some bravado about how boss your song will be. Alternatively post whimpering statement about how you hope the judges will be kind because of stage 3 considerations. This is called going for the sympathy vote. Also seen: bravado posts about stage 3 considerations This is called the Production Fight Defence.
Stage 4. Actually record and submit the song.
Stage 5. Complain about how long the judges are taking to score and review your songs. That gives you a *DAY* to fatuously pick a single competitor (doesn’t matter who) to congratulate on how brilliant their take on the title/challenge is. This is to give the erroneous impression that you are aware that this is only a free competition on the internet, with no physical prize, and that you don’t mind if you go out.
Stage 6. Don’t review, or if you do, keep them short and pithy to the point of meaningless and deal out lashings of praise to everyone. If you want to slag off a song that you aren’t entirely sure is going to get its entrant eliminated, do so by making vague statements along the lines of “hope the judges won’t be too hard on the fact that ....”
Stage 7 When judge reviews are chosen, take a phrase or sentence out of context to quote at the top of your response. Then type paragraphs and paragraphs of self-justifying, angry posts addressed at the judge but not addressing the issue they raised, when all you are really saying is *Waah, waah, they didn't appreciate my brilliant song. Waah, waah!*
. Bonus points if you can put in links to obscure bands / Wikipedia articles / pictures of a baby saying LOL. This is called the Safety in Numbers Defence.
Stage 8 Claim a Judge obviously hates your band, your style of music, your internet personality rather than admit that it may be the song you have submitted that hasn’t garnered the reaction you hoped for.
Stage 9 If eliminated, contain fury and rage long enough to try and bow out gracefully. Say you will continue posting in the thread / follow the songs / compete along for your own pleasure, and what a joy it has been (the See You Next Year defence) then spectacularly fail to do so.
If not eliminated don’t forget to say how this has been the best year ever for judges / reviewing / song quality. (the Say You Next Year defence).
Stage 10 Repeat until eliminated / win the competition.