And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Ross » Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:16 pm

Wages wrote:
Rone Rivendale wrote:Umm, forget someone?
Forget someone else? :)
jackfrost wrote:Every time I try to listen through, I get skippy right around here and end up at the last song.
helps to read everything
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Pigfarmer Jr » Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:05 pm

Generic wrote: Pigfarmer Jr. - Isn't a farmer of pigs actually a rancher? Anyway. Remember all those discussions about prosody? Wow. These lyrics sound so forced into their melody. For instance: "What did I do / To deserve," etc. Almost all the rhymes sound really forced. Maybe next time, try to do a couple more edits of your lyrics before you sing? The guitar sounds great, though. Is that an acoustic-electric?
Thanks for the guitar thing. Yes, acoustic electric plugged right in w/o added effects.
I was trying to go for umm angry, or mean? I guess an attitude from the singers point of view. Ya' know what I mean? Also I think that with me not being able to keep a steady beat (as has been pointed it out it speeds up through-out the song) the phrasing was rushed as the song went along. Definitely a track that needed a few more takes. I honestly think that, while the lyric could be revised for sure, it would work better as is with a steady rhythm track. I could be wrong and won't take the time right now to redo it and find out.

I kind of rushed this one as it is my first song-fight entry, and I didn't really know what to expect.. kind of a get the first one done kind of jitters... only excuse I have I guess. I do appreciate the time everyone has taken in letting me know exactly what they do and, more often, don't like about the song. It's been great getting this sort of feedback.

P.J.

Edit:
P.S. - Ranch implies size. A farm is much smaller... so round these parts a cattle farm is like under 100 head (we have 30 on the family farm, not including calf (20ish) and the bull.) So a pig farm would be a smaller farm raising hogs. And since no-one cares I'll further explain that we actually only ever had one pig... scared the heck out of my dog when my dog tried to go into the doghouse in the back yard and the pig came out... but it got too big so we ate her... made some great breakfast sausage. A lot of it.. big friggin pig. "They call him, MR. PIG!!!"
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by ElaineDiMasi » Thu Apr 02, 2009 9:43 pm

Bourbon Drops - Yay for girls being all redeemed and all when they get back from juvie! Main comment is what people keep trying to tell me - too many precious lyrics. I usually don't listen to people when they tell me that. They're right, though.

Ca$ham - Not my cup of tea. Can't say why. Sorry!

Deetak - Your music is always rather attention-getting, and then it's hard for me to understand the words. Singing is indefinite and it's frustrating. Then I go read the lyrics and they're really interesting. Your style with the falsetto and all would be hard to take a whole album of, but I'm really starting to like it as a part of these playlists. The reviewer who said you don't have much dynamics and it's all a wash of sound is - sort of right. You have drama, but it kind of washes up and down in a sine wave, can be bilious at times, not so often having more abrupt level or color changes in the songs.

Drew Styles & the Blue Velvet Band - Not drawing me in. Story, maybe.

Ford's Theater Disaster - Think I like the chorus best. Something is missing from the verses. Some voice or sound that sustains longer or has a touch more melody? "Back from juvie - how would you be?" is v cool. And I like the gimmicks like the vocal filter at 2:00 and the door knock. Overall flavor, I like as usual.

Jan Krueger - I like the story and setting; good image of crashed expectations. I'm not sure what you would have done differently with more than three hours to work on it - changed the style completely?

Jon Eric - Groovy. "I used to be a real dope of a kid" sounds so great, dig the phrasing big time! All the phrasing is great, showing off the melody and the lyrics really well. I am collecting the mp3, this is going to grow on me even more.

IRC BFF - I'm impressed by the song structure's fanciness. Very prog-rock and doesn't sound like it was written by committee. I agree about the impression of massive Jan Krueger stamp on it, in terms of harmonic structure and also the story/lyrics. I think that having those heavy guitars underneath Jan's singing is a really smart combination. (But if I use the word "teutonic" again I'll probably get punished!)

LK and MC - Great band sound! Can't review it, 'cause I just like it. It's probably too long, and it has a dreaded fadeout, but no reason I should care about that.

LSK - At 0:07 I was already panicking and looking for the airlock. At 0:27 I was just about to figure out what this is ... did listen in entirety last week, not again tonight.

Manhatton Glutton - You consistently remind me of Puddle of Mudd, with a trick of twisting into major chords which I really dig, and also in this song I like the jumps in vocal range. Good drum stuff happening at 1:40, too. The whole thing scans well in terms of vocal sound, so I don't care about the words too much. Even if the ends of the choruses with the held note sound really familiar for the genre and the things may be a touch too long. Definitely going to add this to my playlist.

Nigel Clements - Comes on strong, which is a good thing. It's synth heavy without being tinny and gamey - thanks for that! 1:50 and the vocal just leading up to it is cool.

Night Elf Mohawk - It just so happens that I hate the blues, unless there's an act of massive genius going on, so I probably shouldn't rate the song. Blues with the line "to see my woman" instantly disqualifies either the song or me. That said, I was enjoying the wide-spaced bass line and the guitar splashes on the downbeats. I also wondered if everything was loops!

I wonder why on SF we keep accusing each other of loops and midi, when we know our playing is uneven. Maybe some reasons could be: (1) We play "carefully" and don't know how to put a lot of spirit into it. (2) We use cheap effects or don't use effects right, giving live instruments a canned feel when the recording is done. (3) We're multitracking and maybe never had the experience of playing in a band - so can't get that live band feel to the rhythm section. This is leaving out being rushed for time and not putting in fancier parts that vary more as the song goes along.

Paco del Stinko - I don't know how you do it, dude. This shouldn't work but I am just grinning. I mean, swing band verses welded to eighties rock choruses with a blowtorch? Even without the silly rhymes it's nuts!

Pathetic Wannabees - Simple raw sound is fun to listen to. Lyrics are mostly nothing special, but kudos not pulling punches on the vocal delivery.

Pigfarmer Jr - Highlight is the repetition I think, the repeated phrases within the first verse. Some of the lyric sounds especially cliche because of the rhymes on things you expect, but not important words. Good line-ending rhyming words are "vow" and "revenge", bad ones might be "lose your nerve" and "look me in the eyes" lines.

Quimby - I'm your fan. Great slinky vox to match the spooky basses. The menace is awesome on the chorus. I also adore the break at 2:05, because it sounds really cool. But - could the first verse be a little harder to understand? It's very literal and it explains everything right up front.

Rone Rivendale - This is starting to sound like something. You should definitely not abandon the idea of having a beat in, it makes a big difference. I'm fine with all the detuned noises. They sound like the right soundscape to me. Lyrics are mostly too literal and explanatory for my taste. The "you will keep away" line is too cliche to be menacing.

Ross Durand - Como se dice LOL en enspanol?? "lots of stuff for them to do" LOL the second listen a week later. And "I have to spend a lot of time on my own" makes me take it a bit seriously as a folk song along the way. Nice.

Shanks - Nice beat, intro reminds me of the Dandy Warhols.

Steve Durand - Great synth. That tone color fits perfectly with all the other ones. Lyrics are too easy to understand and they explain everything, but still have sly parts, like "knack for bending the truth" and I like the story of having a good time when the boy is back - now what was that Steely Dan song?

Wages - I like it! I like these "I'll go away"s. You're doing a lot with just a guitar or two. Lots of feeling in the vocal lines and the guitar lines. The part that's hard to click in "without the band" is the bridgey thing from 2:00.

Weakest Suit - Not a bad jam at all. You could have a lot of fun revising and bandifying. But "do you want to go and kill someone, use your father's gun" wrecks the suspension of disbelief that you built up in the first half! You might have to keep it real or go way over the top, not neither.

Weather Schedule - Yay for girls being all redeemed and all when they get back from juvie! In answer to the question, she's gonna love her parents, duh.

Weather Schedule is what we call it when I have an idea I think can be pop-punk, I call on slats to do most of the work, and it comes out like this - faux new wave? I think my chilly faux-new-wave vocals will never sound punk. You get this, or you get choral, or you get folk (which I rarely do for SF). Anyway, we've done the Weather Schedule thing before and we'll do it again!

Without loops. This was live sloppy drums and everything (can hear the tempo change if you listen twice). I was happier than ever before with the way the guitars were miked (one at the amp and another an omni in the room), but maybe I "canned" it when I mixed. I think I need to pad my studio a bit and make some bass traps to hear what's wrong and get better. BUT I still think it's v groovy. Aside from being a touch dark and unclear I like the mix.

Voted for 7 things this fight.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Manhattan Glutton » Fri Apr 03, 2009 4:21 pm

ElaineDiMasi wrote:Manhatton Glutton - You consistently remind me of Puddle of Mudd, with a trick of twisting into major chords which I really dig, and also in this song I like the jumps in vocal range. Good drum stuff happening at 1:40, too. The whole thing scans well in terms of vocal sound, so I don't care about the words too much. Even if the ends of the choruses with the held note sound really familiar for the genre and the things may be a touch too long. Definitely going to add this to my playlist.
Cool, thanks for the comments!
ElaineDiMasi wrote:Weather Schedule - Yay for girls being all redeemed and all when they get back from juvie! In answer to the question, she's gonna love her parents, duh.
Somehow I missed this one when I did my reviews... was it put up later than the others? Anyway, sorry about that, will amend my previous post when I get a chance.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by ElaineDiMasi » Fri Apr 03, 2009 5:29 pm

Manhattan Glutton wrote:
ElaineDiMasi wrote:Weather Schedule ...
Somehow I missed this one when I did my reviews... was it put up later than the others? Anyway, sorry about that, will amend my previous post when I get a chance.
Wow. It's true what they say about being at the end of the alphabet...
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by jast » Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:18 pm

ElaineDiMasi wrote:Jan Krueger - I like the story and setting; good image of crashed expectations. I'm not sure what you would have done differently with more than three hours to work on it - changed the style completely?
No. I'd have redone several takes which are out of rhythm in this version.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by ElaineDiMasi » Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:29 pm

jast wrote:
ElaineDiMasi wrote:Jan Krueger - I like the story and setting; good image of crashed expectations. I'm not sure what you would have done differently with more than three hours to work on it - changed the style completely?
No. I'd have redone several takes which are out of rhythm in this version.
Which is kind of what I was getting at. The song was considered done, you would have upped the recording.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by reve » Sat Apr 04, 2009 12:37 am

So a week later, the songs that remain the most memorable are those submitted by the Durand brothers. While Steve's entry was my pick for the fight right off the bat, it should be noted that Ross's entry has been on heavier rotation in my brain. Like a lot of his songs, it works well on a variety of levels.

Jan Krueger's solo entry was also fantastic. While I think Jan's solo effort was the stronger of his entries this week, I congratulate my fellow BFFs and urge the rest of you to visit us on IRC.

j$ was fantastic as always (albeit a smidge trebley). Drop by more often?/!! We missees you!!

I think deetak is a genius and should you.

I also remember Manhattan Glutton's entry, but all I really remember is that it did indeed sound like Metallica. Sorry.

Night Elf Mohawk did better last week. I liked the Jon Eric's track. Paco knocked out a good track as always. I looked to see if Weather Schedule had anything in the archives, but they didn't -- so I hope they enter again to give us more.

Finally, I give a high five to Ujn. Next time we'll do better. :wink:
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by ElaineDiMasi » Sat Apr 04, 2009 7:41 am

reve wrote:I looked to see if Weather Schedule had anything in the archives, but they didn't -- so I hope they enter again to give us more.
Thanks! I hope so too! Here's a link to my favorite Weather Schedule song: http://fawm.org/songs/1741/
The link will last until probably july09.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Generic » Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:54 am

Nigel (spOOn) Clements wrote: Jon Eric: Maybe I've said this before, maybe not, but with a touch more humour you could easily forge quite a following via sites like Fump! you have a definate style that would sit easily with Dr. Demento fraternity (i believe), Possible Vote!
Hey, I meant to comment on this sooner... thanks for the kind words!

Unfortunately, I don't have a "humor switch," I can't just be funny at will. On the odd occasion I do actually think up something funny and incorporate it effectively into one of my works, I get quite proud of myself. Still not sure if the spoken bit in my song this week ought to count.

However. If you think you can bring the funny, I definitely think I can bring the sunny. And I love to collaborate. PM if you're interested.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by nyjm » Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:34 am

Revuvies! (Yes, yes, I went there.)

Listened in random order; arranged in reverse alphabetical order for indexability

Weather Schedule - probable vote for difference
+++ cool concept +++
+++ ambiguousness of the lyrics +++

The Weakest Suit
+++ lyrics +++
/// nice vox, recording but the G&G schtick is underdeveloped ///

Wages
/// really cool potential in the riff; it just needs to be tighter and maybe a little faster ///
+++ guitar sound scape +++
--- goes on too long for the "just two guitars and vox" gimmick ---

Quimby - vote for creepiness (Have you met Nataly...?)
/// reminds me of Portishead ///
+++ reverbed guitar +++
--- middle portion goes on for a bit too long ---

Steve Durand
+++ very 1970's vibe +++
+++ disparity of the vox delivery and very clean music with the dire subject +++

The Shanks
/// it's sad to see such musical and production talent wasted ///

Ross Durand
+++ so funny... and so sad, actually +++
+++ guitar tone; how do you mic it? +++

Rone Rivendale
+++ improving +++
/// next step: work on developing a melody and tightening your guitar work ///

Pigfarmer, Jr.
+++ nice guit +++
--- lyrics are really straight-forward; there's nothing artful about either your imagery or the narrative ---

Pathetic Wannabees
+++ fun rocking vibe, esp. the chorus +++
--- vox too hot ---
/// it would probably be better if the verse lyrics had less jumpiness to give the ear some respite from the chorus ///

Paco del Stinko - probable vote
+++ lounge menace => rock +++
+++ backing "oo-oo-ooh"s +++

Night Elf Mohawk
/// hahahaha band name ahahahaha ///
--- warbly/falsetto vox ---
/// though it does slowly grow on you ///
+++ crashing guit tone and nice solo effect +++

Manhattan Glutton - vote for rock
+++ atmospheric menace +++
+++ R4WKIN' chorus! (& backing vox) +++
/// the chorus drums could use more bite ///

LSK
+++ oh, cool experimentalism... +++
--- oh, dying cats ---

LK & MC
+++ very infectious chorus +++
/// otherwise, reminds of that tune from Theory of Dead Man ///

Jon Eric - probable vote
+++ chorus - especially the ending +++
+++ ... actually, you don't don't want to know ... +++
/// underdeveloped production, but a neat song ///

Jan Krueger
+++ awesome +++

IRC BFF - vote for general excellence
+++ dynamism +++
+++ catchy chorus +++

Ford's Theater Disaster - vote for awesomeness (and ego)
+++ garage rock excellence and the difference a real band makes +++
/// i've twiddled with the mix for your listening pleasure ///

Drew Styles & Bleu Velvet Band
/// bring those rockin' guitars up!///
+++ great chorus, pretty cool song +++

deetak
--- falsetto ---
+++ vox production and mixing +++
--- monotonous: you need to break up that constant vocal harmony ---

Ca$ham - vote for off-beat booty shaking
+++ "shove it right up your... aerosol can can can +++
--- maybe a bit too much reverb ---
+++ makes me want to dance in a weird way = vote +++

The Bourbon Drops - vote for cute blugrass
+++ melody +++
+++ live recording - or a very nice reproduction thereof +++
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Larry Knox » Sun Apr 05, 2009 6:21 pm

LK & MC
+++ very infectious chorus +++
/// otherwise, reminds of that tune from Theory of Dead Man ///
I kinda have to laugh at all the references to other songs as if they were either inspirations or paying homage to a certain band or song.

I (or MC) have never heard this song or band before. So I am not sure if your mention of it in your critique is pro or con. (as in the word 'otherwise').

We certainly aimed at a retro sound due to the fact that neither of us were ever in juvie and if we were it would have been in the '70's. We also thought that a young audience who may be in juvie now would get a kick out of the guitar/big hair sound and big chorus.

Thanks for the critique.

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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by The Weakest Suit » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:04 pm

Paco, Nigel, Jan: you guys rocked this fight for me (each in your own way).
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by MisterQuoons » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:37 pm

Did these random and I was a little rushed because I had to listen to all of them and write reviews in the space of just over an hour that I had before I had to leave for work. If I missed your song, it was entirely accidental, so just say something and I'll give it a listen.

Wages - No bass or drums, and the production is lo-fi, and this still rocks harder than most of the full-band songs I've heard around here. A plus.

Paco DelStinko - Rock.

ca$ham - Um, what? Something about shooting up schools and playing Grand Theft Auto? Can't say I approve of the implied connection between the two. All that stuff about "warning signs" and "columbine" isn't really helping either; just reminds me of high school. Couldn't even bring a Manson CD to school in that fucking place without getting accused of plotting to kill someone. Even ignoring all that, this isn't really that good of a song. Vocals suck, playing is weak, and the composition and delivery is too weak to make up for it. No sir, I don't like it.

Weather Schedule - Hmm. I don't haaaaate this song. This has sort of a vaguely cute, eighties bubblegum kind of a feel. I could maybe hear this in the soundtrack to one of those "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" kind of movies from that era. The whole "When I get back from juvie I'm gonna love you" feels a little tacked on, but maybe that's part of the concept. Not overly exciting, but not bad either.

The Shanks - This kicks ass. Oh god, that bass is awesome. Love the combination of electronic and real instruments. This is a dangerous song. This song is almost too dangerous for this fight. This is a song sung by someone who went to juvie, got back, and went on to go to big-boy prison. I could shank someone to this. Vote.

IRC BFF - I feel like I ought to like this, but for some reason I don't. I can't tell if it's the singing, the lyrics, the tune, or what, but there is some crucial element missing from this that just prevents me from getting into it. The playing is good, the recording is good, but...I just don't know. I can't feel it, for some reason. The slow part kind of sounds like something Brendon Small might do, which is pretty cool.

Pigfarmer Jr - If I remember correctly, you mentioned this being something you recorded more or less on the spot a couple of days before it was due. That considered, this is not at all bad. However, that said, it definitely would have been a much better song had you spent a bit more time on it. The lyrics are kind of so-so, and the concept doesn't really interest me. Guitar tone is nice, though. All in all it doesn't sound like you put a whole lot of effort into this. Liked it well enough, but probably wouldn't listen again.

Jon Eric - I actually rather liked the tune for this one. This is chipper without being too chipper, which is a hard balance to strike. However, the lyrics come of a little....I don't know....gay. No offense. The kid singing this song isn't really "juvie" material. I'm not even sure he's "afterschool detention" material. The kid I imagine singing this song sort of looks like Tobey MacGuire as Peter Parker. He is the type of kid who wears sweater vests and always does his homework. Maybe he's in the choir or something. I could maybe see him falling in amongst bad companions, and getting talked into doing something illegal, and then maybe when the group gets caught he ends up taking the rap for it. That approach would have actually worked pretty well with a song like this. But I just can't see this kid taking the initiative and breaking the law on his own.

Bourbon Drops - Yawn. This is a good song, but I don't feel like the style really fits for this kind of title. Whistling? No. Not for this, anyway. Whistling has its place, and it's not in a song called "Back from Juvie." See my comments for Jon Eric's song. However, given the old-time country sort of feel this has, I could maybe hear this as a bluegrass song. Kick up the tempo and give it a little more "edge," maybe tweak the lyrics a little, and I could actually see this working.

Drew Styles - The chorus is pretty cool, but the story of the song seems to take a little too long to unfold. Good effort, but not really my thing.

Rone Rivendale - Now this is a juvie song. This is a song that a very troubled child would write and perform, probably to an audience of mutilated dolls. The crude lyrics, cheezy electro drums, bad synth and bad guitar are just so exquisite and work so exquisitely together that I think I might just pass out from how entirely exquisite this whole thing is. Oh, jeez, that synth solo at the end with the....what is that, a guitar crash or just feedback? Awesome, fucking awesome. Hella vote.

Quimby - Very nice and creepy. Gets a little redundant after awhile, but not enough to ruin it. This is a hawt jam. Not sure if the bass is real or programmed, but it could use some reverb or fuzz or an effect or something to kind of jazz it up a bit.

Manhattan Glutton - I like how this starts off and builds. The low verse parts are pretty creepy and growly, which is definitely good. My only real complaint here is that when it gets to the "Hey, I'm back from juvie" chorus it starts to sound a bit like My Chemical Romance or something. I guess that's just an issue of taste on my part; altogether this is quite well done, and deserves whatever votes it gets.

Jan Krueger - This is quite awesome. You should find Rockapella and kick their asses; they've been hoarding money that is rightfully yours.

Ross Durand - Oh, I get it. It's a spanish phonetic corruption of the word "juvie". Funny. Nice harmonica. Not the most fantastic thing you've ever done, but not bad.

Weakest suit - I was a rich white suburban kid. GTA is one of my favorite games. Alright, sir, you have my attention. Wow, this is a good song. The social commentary here is hilarious, yet it fills me with rage at the same time. Irresponsible retard kids commit crimes and their parents get them off by blaming TV and video games. Grr. This is the best thing I've ever heard from you. Excuse me, I'm going to go kill Jack Thompson with a chainsaw.

LK + MC - This is probably the best hard rock song of the fight. Not quite a vote, but definitely an enthusiastic thumbs up.

LSK - Ooh, some kind of machine. Now there's thumping. LOL screaming. Oh, shit, please don't let this just be the intro to a conventional song. YES!!! It's not!!!!! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!! More thumping. Cornball synth choir. More screaming. THIS WEIRDNESS IS THE ENTIRE SONG, I DO BELIEVE. Oh, god, I thought it was over but it's not. You managed to startle me. Points for that. More synth choir. This is awesome. Everyone else is going to hate this, but this is awesome. Vote.

Pathetic Wannabees - Oh, this is the SHIT. This is like, Iggy Pop or The Queers or something. Vocals too loud in the mix, but that's excusable. This is one of the few believable punk songs I've ever heard on SF. Vote.

Steve Durand - I'm unable to hear myself over the sound of how awesome this is. Another vote.

deetak - Jesus butts, I'm just playing these songs at random, but this is the fourth song in a row that I've heard that I think I have to vote for. Like all of your other songs, I don't even have the slightest fucking clue what it's about or what the words are, but the style and the way it's put together are just so weird and awesome that I don't really have a choice. This song could be about Rice Krispy Treats and I would still vote for it.

Nigel Clements - Lot of bass-heavy stuff this time around. Yeah, this is pretty cool. I'm ever so much the sucker for lo-fi electronic songs. Can't really get into the vocals enough to follow the lyrics, but I still like this.

Fords Theater Disaster - This is cool. I think I like Pathetic Wannabees' attempt at this kind of grit-punk type thing a little better, but this is pretty awesome too. Solo is tight.

Votes this week (besides myself): LSK, deetak, The Shanks, Rone, Pathetic Wannabees, Steve Durand.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Generic » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:43 pm

In voting, I erred on the side of selectivity. A lot of my "possible" or "maybe" votes didn't make it. My final votes went to:

IRC BFF
Paco del Stinko
Steve Durand
Quimby
The Bourbon Drops
LK+MC

...and myself. For once, I feel no need to apologize for the self-vote.

My first impression of this fight was that it was a weak one, but seven votes out of twenty-four songs is a pretty good ratio, in my book. Great work, everyone!
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Generic » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:51 pm

MisterQuoons wrote: Jon Eric - I actually rather liked the tune for this one. This is chipper without being too chipper, which is a hard balance to strike. However, the lyrics come of a little....I don't know....gay. No offense. The kid singing this song isn't really "juvie" material. I'm not even sure he's "afterschool detention" material. The kid I imagine singing this song sort of looks like Tobey MacGuire as Peter Parker. He is the type of kid who wears sweater vests and always does his homework. Maybe he's in the choir or something. I could maybe see him falling in amongst bad companions, and getting talked into doing something illegal, and then maybe when the group gets caught he ends up taking the rap for it. That approach would have actually worked pretty well with a song like this. But I just can't see this kid taking the initiative and breaking the law on his own.
Well, seeing as how the kid singing is, in the most literal sense, me, then you have a point. I was never in juvie, nor did I do anything that would have gotten me there.

However, might I humbly suggest you give the lyrics another chance (and, perhaps, the benefit of the doubt)?. If I've done my job right, it should be apparent that the chipper-ness here belies a rather disturbed psyche. After all, don't the serial killer's neighbors always say "He was such a nice, quiet man?"

:wink:

Thanks for the very detailed review. And also thanks to everyone who reviewed my song. If not for Songfight reviews back when I first tried recording my own music, there's no way I'd be even remotely listenable today.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by nyjm » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:01 am

Larry Knox wrote:
LK & MC
+++ very infectious chorus +++
/// otherwise, reminds of that tune from Theory of Dead Man ///
I (or MC) have never heard this song or band before. So I am not sure if your mention of it in your critique is pro or con. (as in the word 'otherwise').
I'm not saying that you are inspired or even make direct reference to the song at all; just that I make the association.

Unfortunately, in this case, it's a con, because I don't like that song at all. Check out the article about it; it seems like the lyricist lacks any sense of irony , poetry or perspective.

Your lyrics are actually better than Theory of a Dead Man's, but combined with the straight-forward rock (which is excellent) they just sound whiny to me, instead of bitter or menacing. You end on an interesting note, changing to "I'm done running scared," but nothing in the song really indicates what that might mean.

To sum up, I'd like to care more about your protagonist - or at least be more interested in him.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Ross » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:17 am

Songfight the enabler - I am on my first day of spring break - there are many things I should be doing - but I am going to write reviews instead.

Stream of consciousness reviews - second listen

In order on the site this morning - I accidentally hit refresh once, so I hope I didn't miss anyone.

Steve Durand - everything sounds great? Is that your old Roland or a just a modern approximation. I was your vocals tracked the energy of the backing tracks better anyway. Lyrically it reminds me of “Only a Lad” by Oingo Boingo. Unusually for you, I don’t really feel like the instrumental section moved the song forward much. Good song. I like the variations in the arrangement.

Jon Eric - I like the way this song comes off - the chorus sounds like it might be four clicks faster than it wants to be. Excellent tune and overall feel - and cute words. Good song. Excellent choice on the egg shaker :-)

Quimby - I like the groove. I feel like I can never get things to sound this transparent. The words and music compliment each other so well here. WEll delivered and good concept a bit too long. Good song. You had my vote halfway through - not sure yet if you lost it or not.

Weakest Suit - I suspect you had thought through a bit of this song in your head before you began improvising it. Although the lack of melodic variation does sound like the product of improvised conduct. OK

Ca$ham - This is all coming off a little muddled. I would love a little more time to digest each section as it comes - oh two songs in a row with Grand theft auto references. So Columbine has a presence across the pond, ehh? I like what this is going for - but I’m not sure it quite took me there. feels like ti doesn’t end. Good-

deetak - This is really interesting. Some interesting lyrics, just vague enough to match the way the music drifts without drifting. Good Song.

Pigfarmer Jr. - Has the sound of a demo for a song that you’d rather do with more than just a guitar. A little monotonous tune wise. I like the way the chorus breaks things up. Well delivered. Do we ever learn why the protagonist is in there? Second revenge song. Pretty good.

PAco - You had me a minor 7. God! from the “jazzy” to the “Rocky” works great!. The only shortcoming here is “loosey goosey.” This is just a great tune - capitalizing on everything The Paco does well. Great! Vote.

IRC BFF - This song has excellent build - watching it come together I think the arrangement elements absolutely elevated it from the demo, which was also good. In the end I think I wish the structure was a little more focussed, and a few lines come off a little trite - but it’s a very enjoyable listen. Good

Jan - You a re so good at these little arrangements. Another one that nicely pairs musical choice with lyrical. As with many other reviewers, I think this is actually the stronger of your two writing contributions this week. Vote.

Nigel - Interesting how the “cowbell” beat gives you the chance to work with measure structure any way you want - but I think the song might benefit from a slightly stricter structure. not enough to keep the ears on it here, it’s like it’s all surprises. Ok.

Pathetic Wanabees - nice punk opening. The chorus is the best part, I think. The words on the other part aren’t engaging enough to keep me interested given the lack of tune.

LSK - I listened to this all the way through the first time - I don’t get it.

Night elf Mohawk - One one level I love this - the humor of some 12-year-old singin’ the Prison blues is great - and the less than stellar vocal performance, supports this perfectly. Some elements of the arrangement detract from it, however - I would have preferred it more stripped down and “honest.” Given that it played ot me as a sort of humorous take on that concept - I think it went a little too long. OK+

Weather Schedule - Yeah - genre bias - I think the spoken word stuff in this song is all kinda dumb. I think given that - it comes off a lot like a lost Waitresses dong from the 80s. OK

Rone - I don’t have any idea how these parts are supposed to fit together. Perhaps, just like this - but I don’t like the way it sounds if that is the case. You produce a lot of notes and sing with them - but the different sets of notes don’t seem to relate to one another. Thanks for Playing.

LK and MC - nice opening - gets my attention right away. The big bass drum may be a smidge too big. it actually distracted me. I like the big 80s chorus, though. I like the way you varied the arrangement int eh stereo electrics. Nice vocal delivery. Feels like ti takes a little too long to develop - the second verse set in particular felt like it could have used some editing, and the chorus would have sold just as well without the repeat . Good solo. Did you originally write this with the wrong title? Just curious. Good song.

Bourbon Drops - I like this. I would love to cover this sort of 1930s carter folk style. This is very charming, in both writing and delivery, and I love how the words betray that charm. You sound familiar to me - I am wondering who you are, and if I have heard you before. Very Good song. Vote.

Ford’s Theater disaster - Right off the track I feel like you don’t really have a melody in mind and I wish you had more of one for this song. The chorus lacks the punch it seems to be going for. OK

The Shanks - yeah - this song just doesn’t really interest me. I feel like you sort of went for the cheap shock factor - it also seems quite incomplete at that. Thanks for playing.

Wages - I feel like I am listening to a rehearsal. This song seems to be about the guitar. Not a very interesting story. Thanks for playing.

Manhattan Glutton - As long as were talking about who you sound like - I hear Linkin Park. I am a little distracted that you rhyme “Juvie” with “Hey” I like the sound of the chorus - but feel you could have worked the words more there. Good song - I like the verse/chorus contrast and the arrangement. Someday I’ll figure out how to make my electric guitars sound that fat. I like having bridges in songs - but somehow I feel the one here served mainly to lengthen the song.

Drew Styles et.al. - Trunk load of Coke? I feel like that would get you tried as an adult. As story songs go - this one didn’t get me interested in the story. It’s weird that it seems to get quieter when the electrics come in. OK.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Manhattan Glutton » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:57 am

Ross wrote:I am a little distracted that you rhyme “Juvie” with “Hey”
Man, you're the one who rhymed "okay" with "Juvie"! 8-)
If I had a dollar for every one of my songs j$ has called a 90s pastiche, I'd have $1 for every song I've written.

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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Ross » Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:07 am

Manhattan Glutton wrote:
Ross wrote:I am a little distracted that you rhyme “Juvie” with “Hey”
Man, you're the one who rhymed "okay" with "Juvie"! 8-)
True Dat.
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Paco Del Stinko » Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:45 am

Congratulations to you, Sir Glutton. If I had broken my long standing stubborn streak and voted for myself, we'd have tied, and then I'd have had to challenge you to a duel. Good job, sir. Thanks to all for the reviews, ya gotta love'm!
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Re: And all I got was this lousy jumpsuit (Back From Juvie)

Post by Generic » Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:30 pm

Hey, Henrietta! Third-place tie! High five! :D
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