Circle of Titles II (July 2011)

[king_arthur]

WISENHEIMER / King Arthur / Circle of Titles 2011

I get up too early, stay up too late
I know I look like hell but I'm feelin' great
I drink too much and I drive too fast
Party hard however long the party lasts
Policeman at my window showing me the numbers in his timer
He says "I think you better come and ride in my car,
Mr. Wisenheimer."

I'm always bein' seen at the scene of some crime
I take every short cut, every time
I'd push it even harder if I could
My body's trying to tell me something and it ain't good
Doctor at my bedside giving me a serious reminder
He says "there ain't no pills for what you're doing to yourself,
Mr. Wisenheimer."

I got this reputation to live up to
It's who I am, it's who I'm gonna be
Know I'm gonna be the life of every party
Even if the party's gonna be the death of me

Eat too much junk, smoke too much dope
Slidin' right on down that ol' slippery slope
Talk in my sleep, mostly just curse
My sister the sailor, she's even worse
Preacher at my funeral probably won't say anything kinder
Than something like, "Let Satan and St. Peter sort it out,
Mr. Wisenheimer"

(instrumental) (bridge) (verse 1)

[Caravan Ray]

Virgin Nancy
Caravan Ray

Bundy on at 8:15
Get the tea-room nice and clean
Time to put the kettle on for Mr Dawson's morning brew
Hello Dave, how are you?
I made some nice muffins last night
Chocolate chip, go on - have two
I know that they're the ones you like

Ah Nancy
What would we do without you
You're a treasure
They need sandwiches up on the 3rd floor
Nancy, God bless you luv, you saved our arse again
You are the heartbeat of this office for sure

And at the office trivia night you were the only one
that knew Beluga Caviar came from a Caspian sturgeon
Surprising everybody who had only thought of you
as a 51-year-old, inconsequential, stay-at-home, never-married, never-travelled, under-educated, homely, work-obsessed, tea-making, muffin-baking, message-taking, cat-loving virgin

Three cheers for Nancy!
Hip hip hooray!
Hooray for Nancy!

Nancy, Can I have a word?
It seems the economic downturn has scared the shit out of the suits upstairs.
It's rationalisation time, we have to cut some costs
I know it's a bastard,
But we have to let you go.

Three cheers for Nancy!
Good onya Nancy!
Hip hip hooray!
That's out girl!
Hooray for Nancy!

[nyjm]

Bourbon and Boobs
noah mclaughlin

have you met my old friend jim?
Kentucky-born and good to me
oh, and have you met the twins?
from a shady Clermont street

ain't got nothin' left to lose
that's the way it oughta be
in the gutter can't crawl no lower
after all what she done to me

i got bourbon
i got you two
i got hammered
i got screwed

but i deserve half these kicks
on a bender, i'm an SOB
but the other half're just outta spite
on a bender, she's just as mean as me

she got bourbon
she got those two
we got hammered
i got screwed

well i'm a man of simple tastes
my truck is old, my dog is new
he's more loyal than i'll every be
but less fun than my latest bruise

i got from bourbon
i got from you two
i got hammered
i got screwed

oh, she got bourbon
she got those two
we got hammered
i got screwed

[Caravan Ray]

Billy's Little Trip Is a Cocksucker
- Give Our Regards To The Earth's Core

Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy loves a bit of cock
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
If it's long and hard and hot
Billy wants to suck that cock

It's not a question of alternate sexuality
An act of love between consenting adults - well, that's cool
But Billy doesn't roll that way, oh no - that's not his go
It's just the taste of fresh ejaculate that makes young Billy drool

And he don't care what cock it is
What species, or what genus
The one thing on young Billy's mind is sucking on a penis
Dog or cat or horse or pig
Cow or billy-goat
He wants that blue-veined junket pumper pumping junket down his throat
Fresh and hot right down his throat

Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy loves a bit of cock
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
If it's long and hard and hot
Billy wants to suck that cock

He'd fellate an alligator
Go down on a bear
Try to blow a big giraffe while standing on a chair
Dive into the ocean just to do a dolphin's dong
It's great to have a hobby Billy,
but that's just fucking wrong

Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy loves a bit of cock
Billy is a cocksucker
Billy is a cocksucker
If it's long and hard and hot
Billy wants to suck that cock

[Paco Del Stinko]

Another Day Another - Paco del Stinko

Another day another 53 cents
I got some money but its already spent
Ain't got no food and I can't pay the rent
What can I do?

Another day another bucket of lies
I got the honey but I only catch flies
I ain't too rude and I try to be nice
And that's the truth

How long can I go on? - How long can I go on?

Every day just seems the same, like I'm playing a bored game
They all blend into a haze, leaving me numb and unfazed
It's been so long that I've been down, with my face pressed into the ground
I quit trying to get up, even though I've had enough
But I can't quit living
Even through all of my misgivings

How long can I go on? - How long can I go on?

Another day another walk on the treadmill
It feels like moving but I'm standing dead still
An epic of boredom worthy of Melville
But I still go on

Another day another slap in the face
A punch in the gut and my eyes full of mace
I won't be missed if I got shot into space
And I ain't wrong

How long can I go on? - How long can I go on?

[fluffy]

Made From Corn / Sockpuppet / Circle of Titles 2011


The last time I was abducted by aliens, they were very excited to meet me.

I came from a place where there were things that were not made from corn, but they loved corn quite a lot. They took me in their corn-shaped space ship and brought me to their planet which was covered in fields upon fields of corn, and when the people greeted me they were wearing corn hats and corn shirts made from corn silk, and when the little children smiled at me they had smiles of corn with little kernels for teeth. And the airplanes left behind corntrails of popcorn, which rained down from the sky all the time, and they ate this popcorn with a corn butter made from corn oil and sweetened with corn syrup. All the children ran in fields of corn while carrying their cornphones that connected them to cornputers, and all they ate was corn, corn, and corn. For protein they had corn nuts, and for dairy they had corn milk, and late at night they'd watch corny movies and standup comedians making corny jokes, and when they wanted to screw they'd watch hard-corn cornography. This world had a whole lot of corn. But their corn ship had broken down and they couldn't send me home, so this is where I still live to this day. It is the planet on which you and I and everyone else are. Everything is made of corn. Except the corn, which is made from trimethylsalicylide.

[jast]

Somewhere I Don't Know by Jan Krüger (title suggested by Paco del Stinko)

The world is dreary these days
Wherever I gaze
Just enemies and walls of stone
Can't escape the blaze of the sun
Wherever I run
I'm fighting alone

I've got to get the jump on the horde
There is no reward
I don't even carry a sword
But I'm countering every attack
I know I shouldn't brag
But I'm raising my flag
Now I'm pulling the rug out from under the leader's feet
To find I was being naive when I thought that my quest would be complete

And now I'm richer than I was before
I've answered all questions, I've made the dark go
I've mastered the challenges they had in store
But despite my great score the princess is still somewhere I don't know

Who will believe me when I talk about
All the pipes I crawled through and that guy on the cloud
Who would have thought that turtles can fly
They'll probably blame my mushroom supply
The guy with the hammers is back again and I'm afraid
The princess might be in another castle and I might be too late

And now I'm richer than I was before
I've answered all questions, I've made the dark go
I've mastered the challenges they had in store
But despite my great score the princess is still somewhere I don't know

The pipes that abound are infested with man-eating plants
And nobody knows why these flowers recolour my pants
If I think about what I'm doing here I'll go insane
You wouldn't believe what those warp pipes do to my brain

And I am richer than I was before
I've answered all questions, I've made the dark go
I've mastered the challenges they had in store
But despite my great score I'm still on my way to somewhere I don't know

And this time the princess is there
I hope that now she'll allow me to go
But she's got one more quest for me, oh, that's not fair
As I push button B I know that I'm off to somewhere I don't know

The world is dreary these days
Wherever I gaze
Just enemies and walls of stone
Can't escape the blaze of the sun
Wherever I run
I'm fighting alone

[irwin]

Yes, I DO Have A Pistol In My Pocket, But That Does Not Necessarily Mean That I Am Still Not Pleased To See You by Suckweasel

She was standin in her bathrobe when I drove up
Starin at me through the screen door
Like through the bars of a prison cell
She said, "What are you doing here?"
And I said, "Till death do us part,
and I don't know about you
but I ain't dead yet."
And I said,

"I do have a pistol in my pocket
But baby don't be blue
Just tell me you still love me, darling
And I won't shoot
We had some good times
Maybe one or two
Yes I do have a pistol in my pocket, but baby that doesn't
necessarily mean that I'm still not pleased to see you."

I grabbed her by the arm
Dragged her into the car
We drove downtown to the second branch
Of the First National Bank
I said, "Remember the old times?"
She said, "I'd rather forget"
I held her tight
And passed the teller a note:

"Yes I do have a pistol in my pocket
But baby don't be blue
Just hand over all the money
And I won't shoot
Just tens and twenties, small bills will do
Yes I do have a pistol in my pocket, but baby that doesn't
necessarily mean that I am still not pleased to see you"

We have you surrounded
Put your hands up high
You'll never make it
Out of there alive

Yes I do have a pistol in my pocket
But baby don't be blue
They'll never take us alive
And that's the truth
I've got two bullets
One for me and you
Yes I do have a pistol in my pocket but, baby, that doesn't
necessarily mean I'm still not pleased to see you

[SchlimminyCricket]

Clinical Cynical
by Schlimminy Cricket

Come on in, Mr. Jones
you'll be there just down the hall
You say you live alone?
Well, really don't we all?
Tell me where it hurts
A throbbing in your chest?
You could have had it worse
After all, I am the best

(Tongue goes out, stick goes in, gown goes on, wallet out
that's how it goes, we don't ask what we're doing here)

There's no need to fear
You're a very wealthy man
If you just keep coming here
I'll do everything I can
I have heard it said
I haven't got a soul
It's a frigid, frigid world
It's no wonder I'm so cold

(Tongue goes out, stick goes in, gown goes on, wallet out
that's how it goes, we don't ask what we're doing here)

That is all, Mr. Jones
Hope you have a lovely day
You could die on your way home
But there's more to fill your place

(Tongue goes out, stick goes in, gown goes on, wallet out
that's how it goes, we don't ask what we're doing here)

[BBABM]

Trenchcoat warfare

Times have been hard on the garment industry since the market crash. The 32nd street burlington coat factory boys sit silent, ominously waiting for word from the streets. The east side mens warehouse crew has been moving in on the financial district. Though the gothics and cowboys make up their core customers, you can't show weakness to anybody. You show weakness you get cut, cut like shin length leather. You get punched, punched like ten clean button holes. You get tied about the waist, and draped fron the shoulders of your enemies.
Johnny says "get my gun"
These east side boys got no soul
This thing has come back round
And eaten me whole
And I don't want to go outside
Without my pistol
As lightning crashed, the shillouette of Francis shone through the showroom windows. As he stumbled in from the rain the fear was obvious in his eyes. "it's not the Italians" he stammered. With those words all tailoring halted. Heads turne, eyes fixed, tape measures slowly unravled to the floor. "those burbury bastards" someone yelled, "no" Francis cried," it's the Latinos, the Zappos-tistos, they came out of nowhere a few years back, making a name in footwear, but now they were machete slashing prices all over town"
Johnny says "get my gun,
these east side boys got no soul
This trenchcoat warfare has come
And eaten me whole
And I don't want to go outside, without my pistol
all across the battlefield lay the bodies, gloriously dressed bodies. It had not been long before they came for everything they had. Winter outerwear, fine leather products at low low discount prices. There was no competing with free shipping, hassle free returns, and a vibrant web app that made finding just your size so easy. Perhaps the end o the clothing warehouse was predicted when sir Thomas mcmuffin famously said "who wants to go walk around when you can sit on your ass?" perhaps the answer lay with our memories of the Burlington coat factory boys.