The state of my song writing spirit

[Manhattan Glutton]

So, I haven't been around the ol' forums much recently. With a drink in one hand (typical - I am a glutton for cocktails after all) let me tell you a little story.

I started checking out Song Fight around 2004 or earlier, due to Kompressor. I think Kompressor has since moved on to his "Toothpaste for Breakfast" comic strip/blog circle. I think I got into him from some sort of Lego parody of the Bible. I don't know - the World Wide Web was a beautiful, creative place back then.

I got my online friend Tyler (Cow Exchange) involved in Song Fight first. By the time I got involved, he had moved on. He went on to become really involved in the FAWM community, and now has a kid, and, I don't know, we catch up maybe once a year now. I went to his wedding, but I'm not that good at keeping friends.

My first entry was in 2005 - my last year of college. At first I simply wanted to make noise and have people listen and see where I rank. I didn't really care about the feedback like "hey you should mix better" crap. After all, if you're good enough at performing, eventually you win, right? Well, no.

After making some decent, but junk, entries between 2005-2006 I dropped out for a year - probably because I had a regular jamming band to outlet with, and also because I had a new girlfriend and things got pretty serious pretty quickly, as they tend to do. Also, I use linux as my main desktop and I don't ever plan on recording in it, so that probably held me back, as I didn't have the money to devote to a separate computer, and dual booting is obnoxious.

So, in 2008, now that I had decent equipment because of my job, I could record some better stuff, and I gave it a whirl. I got my first win in 2009 - my glorious peak year for Song Fight. In 2010, I hit the peak of my Song Fight frustration - "what the fuck do I have to do to make these people like my music?" - and wrote "Keep All Your Promises". I did a lot of soul searching after that. Why do I write music? Why do I write music for Song Fight? Unrelated, by this time, I had developed quite a chemical dependency to deal with my unfulfilling relationship - things went downhill after she moved in; I recorded less.

So my second win, "Hard Landing" was about my habit and how quitting sucks. It was a good win. I still like that song. 2010 was also pretty good for my SF career.

And then I went to Song Fight Live for the first time, completely accidentally. I loved it and loved hanging out with you people. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years. And then I got three out of four entry wins in a row. That was the tipping point. That was when I asked myself, "Who am I trying to prove? I've proven myself here. I should be writing my own titles for my own purposes." In the meantime, I also had several gigs with my band and published a CD. For some reason, there doesn't seem like there's much left for me in the music arena.

My last entry was "Strictly Speaking", and the only reason I worked so hard on it was because of my absolutely embarassing failure at SFLive 2012 to produce a decent live performance. And then I lost by one vote - mostly because I didn't bother to vote. I simply don't mind - winning isn't as important as it used to be. I used to be obsessed.

I have a bunch of finished and unfinished songs I've sat on for years that I haven't released. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't see the point. If a semi-talented songwriter/producer releases songs in the forest, does anyone give a shit, particularly in this sea of madness we now call the World Wide Web? Song Fight at least gives you the arena, but you still have to play by the title rules.

Lately, I've been spending most of my time working - solving problems with a purpose. I'm a computer programmer, but it could be any type of problem and I'd still have a good time. It's what I'm good at by nature. If I'm faced with a night of programming something that I know will turn out well or recording something that I know won't make me feel any more appreciated, I'll always pick the programming.

I think the thing of it is that you need to be in touch with your feelings to be a good song writer, and I'm just not that in touch with them. I'm trying - much more than I've ever tried before - but I still don't know why I'd share. Ever since starting to try, I still get comments on some of my songs that say "Your lyrics suck and are generic!" and that's kind of funny in a sad way. That, coupled with the fact that I feel like I should be writing my own titles, and that I have nothing to prove, is why I don't participate much anymore.

And it sucks because I miss songwriting and I miss the thrill of stalking a review thread and I miss refreshing these forums to shoot the shit with everyone. I guess everyone grows up sometime, and maybe that's what's happened? Someone woke me up and told me to stop dreaming of Wonderland?

I don't know. Like I alluded, I've never been very open about my feelings (well, okay, yeah, except for bitterness and cynicism, which I've been trying to give up). But, you know, since I do miss this place, I thought I'd at least try to let everyone know where I'm at, even if it doesn't really matter.

tl;dr: Music was exciting - now it's not. Song Fight used to make music exciting - now it doesn't. I'm waiting for my glorious comeback day.

[jb]

At least your sfbb rank is accurate...

[Lunkhead]

I think for goal oriented people (and I suspect programmers are generally pretty goal oriented), there isn't much available here beyond getting votes and winning, and maybe getting some positive feedback on the boards, for those who care about such things. It may be you need to devise new music related goals for yourself.

And in the meantime, Song Fight! abides.

[Billy's Little Trip]

I'm not reading all of that. But I'm happy you really enjoyed the last Twilight movie?

....just assuming.