________ Walks Into A Bar

the Jazz · Post by **the Jazz** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 4:09 pm

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He sips from the first, sips from the second, sips from the third, the first, the second, the third, and so on until he finishes the beers. "Three more beers, bartender," he says.

So the bartender asks him about his three beers, and the man replies, "Well, I have two brothers. Although we live far away from each other, whenever one of us goes out drinking, we pretend that we're all drinking together."

The bartender thinks to himself how charming a story this is, and from then on whenever the man comes to the bar, he orders three beers at a time, and the bartender tells the story to his customers - "See that man over there with the three beers? Well, he has these two brothers..."

Ten years pass, and one day the man comes into the bar and orders two beers. The bartender says, "Oh, I'm sorry about your brother - I see you've only ordered two beers tonight."

"Oh, no," says the man; "I quit drinking."

Courtesy of Michael Peter Smith.

Albatross · Post by **Albatross** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 4:55 pm

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Leaf · Post by **Leaf** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 6:47 pm

A bear walks into a bar. He says "Barkeep, one beer".

The bartender is nervous, but he has no choice but to point to the sign over head and say, "hey bear, can't you read, we don't serve bears."

The bear roars. He grabs a blonde woman sitting at the bar sipping martinis, and tears off both her arms and legs, swallowing the torso whole.

"Can I have a beer now???"

"Sorry", the bartender replies, " we don't serve drug addicts either".

"Drug addict? What the hell are you talking about?"

"well, what about that barbitchyouate? "

Ba dum dum.

(barbiturate for the slow, or just uniformed. )

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:34 pm

A priest, a rabbi, and a three-legged dog walk into a bar. The barkeep yells "Hey, what is this? Some sort of setup for a stupid joke?"

Dan-O from Five-O · Post by **Dan-O from Five-O** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:48 pm

Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a large jar of money sitting behind the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender says "Well, for $20 you get a chance to make my horse laugh. If he does, you get the jar of money". The guy hands the bartender 20 bucks and asks to be shown to the horse.

They both step out back to where the horse resides and the guy proceeds to whisper something in his ear. The horse immediately bellows the deepest laugh you have ever heard. The guy takes the money and leaves.

A year later the same guy walks back into the same bar. He orders a drink and notices another large jar of money behind the bar. He asks the bartender "Same game as before?". The bartender replies, "Nope. Now you gotta make my horse cry". He hands the bartender $20 and walks out back to the horse. "We'll need a moment alone" he tells the bartender. A minute later he brings the bartender out to show him his horse crying like a baby.

The bartender says to the man "I've been running this game for 2 years and you're the only guy who has won. TWICE! Dammit I gotta know how you did it".

The guy says "Well the first time to make him laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his". The bartender asks "OK, how did you make him cry?".

The guy says "I showed him".

Ba Da Dum

The bartender asks "Hey mister, what's your name?'.
The guy says "Dan-O From Five-O"
The bartender says "Yeah, I heard all the guys from SongFight thought you were the biggest dick around".

Ba Da Tssssst

bz£ · Post by **bz£** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 10:10 pm

Five guys walk into a bar. The sixth one ducks.

Caravan Ray · Post by **Caravan Ray** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 10:58 pm

A polar bear walks into a bar and says:

"I'll have a beer,....

..hmmmmm...

....and a packet of chips"

The barman says: "What's with the big pause?"

Denyer · Post by **Denyer** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 11:28 pm

Caravan Ray walks into a bar and orders a Fosters.

jack · Post by **jack** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 12:25 am

Hoblit walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you." To which Hoblit replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."

Caravan Ray · Post by **Caravan Ray** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 5:12 am

Denyer wrote:Caravan Ray walks into a bar and orders a Fosters.

Ha ha ha ha ha! - when hell freezes over, you southern loser. You can jam that shit up your XXXX.

Hoblit · Post by **Hoblit** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:26 am

Cute Jack, very cute.

I also particularily like the '6th one ducks' joke.

I heard this somewhere:

A jew walks into a bar. Buys it.

I'm not anti-semetic or that much into stereotypes...just something on topic.

the Jazz · Post by **the Jazz** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 8:11 am

For some reason, I'm put off more by the disclaimer than the joke.

Leaf · Post by **Leaf** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 9:07 am

Why? Why lay in, even sublty, on that level?

the Jazz · Post by **the Jazz** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 9:56 am

I don't know. Not sure what you mean by "lay in" or "on that level". Just mentioning it, anyway.

Me$$iah · Post by **Me$$iah** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:50 am

ok. My all time favorite

A woman walks into a bar and says to to the barman
" I'll have a double entendre please"
So he gave her one

TA DA

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 12:56 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. They head straight to the pool table, and begin playing a game. The waiter comes over and says "Wow, that's amazing, your monkey can play pool!" The guy replies "Yeah, he's pretty good, in fact, he's beating me right now." Suddenly, without warning, the monkey grabs the cue ball and swallows it. "OH MY GOD! He just swallowed the cue ball!" exclaims the waiter. "Oh, crap, he's always doing silly stuff like that. I guess I owe you some money for the ball?" replies the man. The waiter refuses, saying "I just hope the little fella is okay."

About 2 years later, the same man and his monkey walk into the bar, and the waiter recognizes them. "Hey, I remember you two- what can I get you?" The man orders a whiskey for himself and a beer for the monkey. There's a bowl of peanuts on the table, and as he's pouring the beer, the waiter notices the monkey take a peanut, shove it up his ass, pull it out, then eat it. "OH MY GOD! Your monkey just..." "Yeah, I know." interrupts the man. "Ever since the cue ball, he checks everything for size."

Post by **Lunkhead** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 2:49 pm

Nice one, Sven.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate's pants are open and says, "WTF? You've got a steering wheel attached to your dick!" The pirate responds, "Yeeargh, it's drivin' me nuts."

mico saudad · Post by **mico saudad** » Sat Dec 31, 2005 3:26 am

Cackle! I'm laughing my ass off at that one lunkhead. Him being a pirate makes it work for some reason. I mean it could be a leprechaun or anyone Irish, but a pirate... ah me boy that takes it.

Caravan Ray · Post by **Caravan Ray** » Sat Dec 31, 2005 8:17 am

abecedarian wrote:Cackle! I'm laughing my ass off at that one lunkhead. Him being a pirate makes it work for some reason. I mean it could be a leprechaun or anyone Irish, but a pirate... ah me boy that takes it.

Gotta agree - Lunkhead wins

Smalltown Mike · Post by **Smalltown Mike** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 4:20 pm

Celine Dion walks into a bar.

The bartender says,"hey, Celine, what's with the long face?"

True story.

jimtyrrell · Post by **jimtyrrell** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 7:14 am

Descartes walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "You're going to give me a beer for free."
The bartender says, "I think not!" and promptly disappears.

stueym · Post by **stueym** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 7:25 am

jimtyrrell wrote:Descartes walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "You're going to give me a beer for free."
The bartender says, "I think not!" and promptly disappears.

HaHaHaHaHa ROFLCOPTER.....Sorry Jim I just wanted a reason for my 200 post