Punchlines. Just the punchlines

[Eric Y.]

okok here are the punchlines to my favourite pair of jokes ever.

1. because it was dead.

2. because it was stapled to the cat.

[JonPorobil]

9. "The fly stops sucking when you slap it."

10. "'No,' he said, 'I meant the next baby.'"

11. "Nice tits, now where do I put these blinds?"

12. "I'm dreadfully sorry, madam. I'll refund your ticket price right, and get a banana for your monkey."

13. "Well, not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

[Freudian Slip]

"Non-contestual" punchlines for your perusal: Oh and thanks TVIYH for reminding me of at least three chapters of "Little Johnny" jokes...*still giggling*
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"Shut up-- or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor..."

"But my name's NOT Dick...it's Colgate"

"Shut up-- or I'm putting the seats back ON the bicycle"

"Well, don't get that Holy Water too dirty-- Looks like I'm gonna haveta gargle"

"This dip tastes like shit"..he replied,"It IS-- wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"...and by the time I realized WHY she was naked AND willing-- Rigor mortis had already set in."

"A place where men are men and sheep are nervous..."

"...because my partner's a day behind me-- with a load of pineapples..."

"After the first time-- I just couldn't BELIEVE she'd jump AGAIN..."

"Because her dog was blind too..."

Within a week she gave herself a hysterectomy, castrated her husband, took two fingers off a friend, and gave the minister a harelip."

Then he stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of his thrashing wife and yelled, "OK-- cut 'er loose!"

"Oh no" she said as the officer unzipped his pants "... not another breathalizer test."

"Artificial infemination"

"...But I caint git Ma-- She's up at the house weighin the postman..."

"...and HE's the sunufabitch what stepped on my frog."

"Well damn and I was just checking for squirrels..."

And a groan was heard round the bar as she announced, "No-- Definitely Budweiser... Coors always gives my cunt a hangover ".

The farmer snatched the five and replied, "I told him all politicians were cocksuckers."

" Nice try, smartass, but I've got some news for you...Your wife's got VD, your daughter's pregnant, your car's about to throw a rod and if you don't stop whacking off-- That tennis elbow's NEVER gonna heal."


BTW-- So far, I think C Hack's punchline was the funniest joke I never heard...

[j$]

A classic - 'No, she went of her own accord.'

j$

[c hack]

BTW-- So far, I think C Hack's punchline was the funniest joke I never heard...

Well it is more than half the joke. It might even be better without the first sentence (which is, of course, "a chicken and an egg are lying in bed").

But screw that, I want to hear the whole jokes. I started a new thread for it. Give it up, everyone -- I want to laugh. Especially you Freudian -- it looks like you're sitting on a nice stockpile.

[Eric Y.]

...and finally, just at the edge of the cliff, the horse stopped, and the city priest said, "praise the lord!"

[Mogosagatai]

"I'm a frayed not."

"That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

An erection.

A bigger erection.

No eye deer.

Still no eye deer.

You would too if your name was "Uhhhhnnngggrrrrrrrbbbblla."

Because their parents don't love 'em, yarrrrr.

[Caravan Ray]

Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?
(don't know if you all know this joke - but there is a brand of alcoholic lemonade in Australia called "Two Dogs" and it's slogan is simply - "Why do you ask?")

You're going to Cloncurry? Wear the Fox Hat.

I'm so Thor I could hardly pith.

Pardon me Roy, is this the cat who chewed your new shoe?

[Eric Y.]

the one you probably have heard before is "if the drummer is drooling equally on both sides of his mouth."

but here is an ALTERNATE punchline.