REVIEWS: Covered in Bugs
With fourteen submissions this week, the battle for the undisputed rights to the title "Covered in Bugs" is certain to be nothing short of
epic.
As usual, we have a couple musical giants with music that moves, and in tandem, the usual handful of midgets greasing themselves up before they're tossed. Yet the majority of the entries lie somewhere nebulously in the median between talented and... not.
So before we begin, grab some popcorn, and if you submitted something that sucks bleeding goat rectum, a box of kleenex-- because remember, kids, Crates is not your friend.
Scoring System
Innovation, instrumentals, and vocals each count for up to ten points.
Code: Select all
1-4 : F
5-6 : D-
7-8 : D
9-10: D+
11-12: C-
13-14: C
15-17: C+
18-20: B-
20-22: B
23-24: B+
25-26: A-
27-28: A
29-30: A+
Joining the SongFight scene in late January of this year, Carpetburn has presented four songs in as many months. With their fifth submission, they're hoping to break an 0-4 streak by wowing the crowd.
The song opens up with an ethereal combination of guitar and string synth, followed by a haunting single vocalist. Yet somewhere around 0:42 into the song, the listener is taken from eerily haunting to full out Linda Blair head-spinning-around-while-projectile-vomiting possessed.
For fifteen seconds, we're treated to a chorus that is completely indecipherable... the only recognizable attribute being that it's
clearly not English. It's got hints of being perhaps an oriental dialect... but really, who knows. Still, it's not the language that makes these fifteen seconds so unbearable: it's the wailing, nut-crushing nature in which it's sung.
And as quickly as a little possessed child snaps back to reality and looks up at you with innocent eyes, the storm passes, and we return to what is really quite a decent song separately. For thirty blissful seconds. Then it's back to Amityville.
As if the track couldn't be any more schizophrenic than it already was, at 1:50 Carpetburn decides to submit a second, entirely different song, appended to the first. However, this second part is incommunicably better than the first. My advice: listen to what you're submitting, bro. You obviously have a good ear for music, because you play it quite well. This would have been a
phenomenal song (albeit short) if you had simply omitted the first two minutes or so entirely.
With the continuous quick transitions found in the first half of the song from soothing, enjoyable music to the ear-jarring sounds of shrieking gibberish, Carpetburn's entry is reminiscent of a good blowjob intermittently ruined by the girl's teeth shredding the skin off your dick. Thank you, Carpet... now my penis is bleeding. At least you finished me off nicely.
SCORE
Innovation: 4 / 10
Well, you're creative, I'll give you that. But it's not a
good kind of creative. It's more like, hey, I just invented anthrax, creative. And the parts of the track that
aren't deadly to infants and the elderly are more or less Nickelback, rehashed.
Instrumentals: 8 / 10
Really nothing wrong with this part of the track, however, it didn't exactly cause the dead to walk the earth and all women in a five mile radius to orgasm, either. Still, some real talent here.
Vocals: 0 / 10
Cut the first two minutes off the track, and you'd have a much higher vocal score. Yet those first two choruses are worth, collectively, negative seventy million points. Graciously, I grade on a scale of zero to ten... otherwise your total score would be negative sixty nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and eighty eight out of a total possible score of thirty.
TOTAL = 12 / 30 =
C-
Cuddle Buddies
Though this girl has never submitted any songs under this name before, she certainly
sounds familiar. As in, the same acoustic-guitar-and-teenage-vocals mess that's submitted by two or three different people every week. At least, they
claim to be different people. I'm not so certain myself.
There is no part of this song that merits dissection... it's as generic and stale as the cereal you find in plastic bags on the shelf three inches off the floor at the grocery store.
SCORE
Innovation: 1 / 10
A pity point towards innovation under the assumption that you at least wrote your own lyrics for this song. You...
did write your own lyrics, didn't you?
Instrumentals: 3 / 10
You've obviously practiced guitar for a little while... I mean, you do know a good four different chords or so that I was able to pick out. But despite the fact that you're clearly not over-exerting yourself with searing electric riffs or passionate, rapid spanish fingering a la
Desperado, you still manage to screw up the chord changes. Yet most artists submit to SongFight for their own amusement, and not because they expect anyone to tell them they're any good. So for what it's worth, I hope
you're having fun.
Vocals: 4 / 10
Hey, it's a cause for celebration... You're not completely tone deaf! But to be perfectly honest, unless you have a lot of time on your hands and possess the willpower found among the professional pull-a-tractor-through-mud-with-my-teeth circuit, a career in music is probably not for you. But hey, I could be wrong... after all, they put Fallout Boy on the radio.
TOTAL = 8 / 30 =
D
The Cutie Pies
Celebrating the one year anniversary of their first submission (and only win), The Cutie Pies come in with a bubbly, harmonic and fun tune. I always wondered what happened to Aqua... apparently they're bored with touring and are trying their hand at the amateur level.
This song is really one of those guilty pleasures... if you enjoy it, you certainly don't want
other people to know that you're enjoying it. Like mopeds, fat chicks, and anal beads. Nevertheless, it's a catchy track, and if you listen to it more than once you might find it stuck in your head for days on end, which would probably end up with a power drill, a new facial orifice, and a big mess.
SCORE
Innovation: 8 / 10
While not entirely unique, this track is still pretty damn fresh. A breath of fresh air from the same stuff we usually get around here.
Instrumentals: 7 / 10
When I was like ten years old, I had a Nintendo game called the Quadglacier or some shit like that. It came with four crappy, crappy games all on one convenient cartidge. Two of those minigames I don't even remember, but two I still do: "Kangaroo Kid", and "The Adventures of a Hard Boiled Egg that Wears a Snorkel, Wields a Shovel, has Access to Controlled-Demolition Explosives, and Has Only One Goddamn Life Before You Start Over at the Fucking Beginning for the Forty Eighth Time". I'm pretty sure that was the name. Anyways, the point is, both of them had distinctively confounding plots and equally bizarre background tracks, and I'm pretty sure The Cutie Pies sampled one or the other for this song. The only reason you guys didn't get more points here is because when listening, at points it actually feels like I
am covered in bugs. I don't know how you guys pulled that off, but it's fuckin with my head...
Vocals: 5 / 10
The chorus is a bit repetitive, and while on-key, the vocals aren't especially impressive... but that's not what drags this score down for The Cutie Pies. The score in this section has been depreciated because if you listen closely to the lyrics of the song, you'll slowly realize that they are the
Creepiest. Lyrics. Ever. Seriously, here's just the chorus: "It's like I'm covered in bugs when I kiss you. I start itchin' all over when I miss you. Holdin' hands gets off those bug legs churnin', I call you on the phone because I miss the squirmin'."
Ugh. My
stomach is churnin'.
TOTAL = 20 / 30 =
B
Damien Verrett
This song is shaping up to be Damien's ninth completely uneventful fight. First off, it's normalized to 20% of the volume of all the other tracks... meaning that it's
extremely hard to hear. Tragically, that's really the only good thing about it... until you get to about two minutes into it, that is. I have no idea why artists prefer to put the best parts of a song after the worst of it: SongFight is about
competing for votes, and that's
really hard to do when the listener has moved onto the next track in disgust halfway through.
Just the same, it's important to note that this song does have one redeeming quality, if you're the type who has an affinity for complete batshit craziness. Because at 1:51 in the track, Damien's medication runs out, and he spends the remaining forty four seconds rocking back and forth, speaking backwards in Latin and from what I gather by listening, running a metal comb back and forth across his teeth.
SCORE
Innovation: 8 / 10
The majority of the song isn't anything to write home and tell Mom about... but you get mega ultra super fun time happy bonus points in creativity for losing your goddamn mind. Which is great, because you're going to need them for the tea party with Snuggles the Unicycle Bear and Cinderella at your new home in Arkham Asylum.
Instrumentals: 5 / 10
You've got some guitar skill, from what I'm hearing on the track, and you get a bump up for having some kind of shaker effects going on in the background. Still, even in the parts of the song where you seem remotely sane, I get a chill up my spine from the way you're going to town on those guitar strings like they're an unattended eight year old girl at the park.
Vocals: 3 /10
It's not that you're a bad singer... it's just that the vocals are way too soft. Also you sound like you're about to kick back in the ol' living room, grab a frosty beer, turn on the ball game, and, well... rape children. Something about the way you hang onto the letter S as if you're it's sole representative on Sesame Street. Which, on an entirely unrelated note, would probably be a good line of work for you-- all those people are serial rapists too.
TOTAL = 16 / 30 =
C+
Level Nivelo
Level Nivelo is, according to his artist biography (which is inconsiderately prefaced with a picture of him naked and clutching his testes as if they're about to hose him down at the state pen), best described as "a pioneer in the genre of baroque homo-pop."
While I'd hardly call him any kind of
pioneer, I can certainly agree that his music is indeed Gay with a capital G. Richard-Simmons-getting-gang-banged-by-Dame-Edna-Ricky-Martin-and-the-entire-cast-of-Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy-all-at-once-Gay.
To make matter's worse, Nivelo is yet another artist whose speakers were turned up to
Deafen the Neighbors before he recorded... because at any other setting, the track is practically inaudible.
We put up with your shit twenty five times before. Now please, for the sake of common decency, give it a rest.
SCORE
Innovation: 0 / 10
Gay.
Instrumentals: 0 / 10
Gayer.
Vocals: 0 / 10
Gayest.
TOTAL = 0 / 30 =
FAG
MMMC
Crates doesn't review his own stuff. Enjoy the song.
The Older Brothers
Quite new to the scene, this is the third song for The Older Brothers, each having been submitted in the last month. Their upbeat and inspired song is the kind of thing you'd listen to on your front porch, Corona with lime in hand, on a hot summer day.
It's biggest downfall, though, is that it's 6 minutes and 16 seconds long-- not because they had so much to say, but rather because they just thought it sounded so good that you'd want to hear twice as much of it. Sorry, boys... you're not Pink Floyd, and you can't get away with that shit. Well, maybe at SongFight you can, but on a CD, it's just taking up twice the time it should, and keeping you from having one extra track on the album.
SCORE
Innovation: 7 / 10
It's nothing we haven't heard before, but at the same time... it isn't.
Instrumentals: 9 / 10
These guys are really good on a guitar. I especially like the ending, where they wail on an electric axe so hard I'm pretty sure the guy playing it must be a ninja.
Vocals: 5 / 10
This area really needs a spit shine. You're not terrible, and yet it's clear when listening to the song that your instrumental talent is the main thing carrying it. Practice makes perfect. Well, not really, practice just makes you slightly better, and even lessons won't make you
perfect... but if you took 'em, your music would be damn close to it.
TOTAL = 21 / 30 =
B
Paco Del Stinko
Out of the blue comes Paco, with his first SongFight submission ever. And without exaggerating, this is quite possibly the best-produced first submission in the history. Not counting MMMC's first submission, of course.
If Weird Al Yankovic, Eddie Vanhalen and Johnny Cash somehow managed to father a kid while they were all taking acid, Paco would be the result.
SCORE
Innovation: 10 / 10
Not only have I never heard anything like this on SongFight before... I haven't heard anything quite like it anywhere, ever.
Instrumentals: 10 / 10
The skill shown on this track is, quite simply, outstanding.
Vocals: 8 / 10
You've got a creepy kind of voice, but it works with the nature of your production. Almost as if the creepiness is part of your "niche".
TOTAL = 28 / 30 =
A
Phunt Your Friends
Phunt comes in with their latest instrumentals-only track, after 27 crippling defeats... yet this one is distinct in that it's short and sweet. Thanks for that much.
While appropriate to, perhaps, the background of a video game, this little number isn't a song so much as a soundbyte, in and of itself. And even though it only lasts for one minute, six seconds, its repetitiveness makes it seem like an eternity. Take an electric fan and some wind chimes- nothing else- into a recording booth, and there will more excitement on the track than this one had.
SCORE
Innovation: 0 / 10
Yawn.
Instrumentals: 5 / 10
Aside from the repetitiveness, it really is decent instrumentally. Sadly, that's all there is to the "song"... a short clip of fairly decent instrumentals.
Vocals: 0 / 10
What vocals?
TOTAL = 5 / 30 =
D-
Popular Electronics
Last week saw the debut of Popular Electronics, a Staind-esque rock band with just a dash of Marilyn Manson for good measure. Their rendition of Covered in Bugs is marked by solid production and fantastic instrumentals, but falls sorely short in the vocals section.
SCORE
Innovation: 7 / 10
Your sound isn't new, but you
did manage to shine it up a bit and give it your own twist.
Instrumentals: 10 / 10
Really, really good stuff here. Absolutely no criticism for this section.
Vocals: 5 / 10
Unlike most artists who do poorly vocally, Popular doesn't seem to be missing the mark for lack of talent... rather, it seems simply reflective of a lack of experience. Some time spent polishing the vocals, or simply bringing in another lead singer, would pull this group across the divide: from amateur garage band to heartthrob sell-out MTV icons.
TOTAL = 22 / 30 =
B
Prophets of the Robot Wars
These "Prophets" have never competed before, and
if there is a God, never will again. For all those people who have worked to raise the bar at SongFight, there will always be a few who are hell bent on taking the bar, wiping their ass with it and subsequently piledriving it into the pavement.
SCORE
Innovation: 0 / 10
What you did isn't creative or new. What you did is
suck, HARD. And guess what? There have been people who sucked hard since
the beginning of time.
Instrumentals: 0 / 10
Seriously, it's like you shoved a pencil up your bunghole, spun it around until it was covered in chunks of shit and corn, and then stabbed me in the ears with it.
Vocals: 0 / 10
Let me say this plainly:
You have no future in music.
No human being will ever listen to your bastard creation and think, "Wow, this is pleasant."
No amount of practice can make you better. Sucking sweaty monkey nuts runs thick through your blood. Maybe you could take up ballet, or get a fast-paced lucrative career in the fast food industry. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life eating chips and playing video games in your mother's basement.
TOTAL = 0 / 30 =
F
Ratt Poizon
Ratt Poizon is another new fighter on the scene, and while very different in their own right, these boys have a long way to go before being palatable to any large-scale audience.
Their first song has all kinds of random oddities tossed in... what kind of effect they're trying to achieve, though, I can only guess. Repetitiveness and bugged-out little nuances like a young boy crying in the background are everpresent.
However, whatever iniquities this band might have, the instrumentals are pretty solid, and the ending to their track is fairly hardcore. Not really "hardcore" enough that you could actually call it that without disrespecting the truly hardcore bands... but these guys are well on their way.
SCORE
Innovation: 7 / 10
For all the effects and glitter you tossed on this song, underneath, it's still generic metal. Nevertheless, your band shows promise.
Instrumentals: 9 / 10
Easily the strongest factor in this song is the Instrumentals.
Vocals: 6 / 10
In the words of Strong Bad, these were... "lacking... at best." Yet for what it's worth, your song doesn't fail because of the vocals- they're not terrible, and it's still worth listening to.
TOTAL = 22 / 30 =
B
WreckdoM
Not one to be discouraged, WreckdoM has won a single fight out of the seventy two they submitted music for in the last eighteen months. In their seventy-third fight, they're doing a good job of not breaking their streak: not a single victory in over a year.
SCORE
Innovation: 0 / 10
To put it simply, you're not clever, funny or talented, and the only people you're amusing is yourselves.
Instrumentals: 4 / 10
The instrumentals to this submission are okay, but totally masked by the violently annoying vocals.
Vocals: 0 / 10
You guys suck.
TOTAL = 4 / 30 =
F
Your Money Wasted
This is YMW's third song fight since they came onto the scene in March of this year. Despite the obvious vocal inexperience of the singer and the brevity of the track, though, the excellent instrumental skills and production pulls this song right out of the mud.
SCORE
Innovation: 7 / 10
I like the sound. You've definitely found a style and made it your own.
Instrumentals: 8 / 10
The sounds you're using mesh quite well.
Vocals: 3 / 10
Of all the areas of your music, this one needs the most work... not just in the quality of the singing, but also in the length of the song. It's really not that hard to write lyrics-- don't submit a one minute snippet if you're skilled enough to put together a whole song.
TOTAL = 18 / 30 =
B-
Well, that should just about wrap up this fight's reviews. For those of you who are kicking ass, keep on kicking ass, and for those of you who are sucking ass,
leave and don't ever come back.
Peace out, girl scout.
-- Crates
