fluffy wrote:I'm actually not much a fan of poly relationships myself, because they do get complicated and I'm not personally wired for the whole "free love" thing. I have only ended up in one because I've fallen pretty hard for someone who is quite poly, and I'm trying to make it work but there are definitely challenges involved, especially since I'm clearly not his primary anymore (but he insists that we're "not in competition"). The other one and I do get along well enough, I guess, but it still feels shitty whenever he refers to my boyfriend as his "partner."
Basically, the problem with polyamory is that everyone needs to be on board, and with N participants you have (N^2-N)/2 links, and roughly 3^((N^2-N)/2) possible ways that those links are interacting at any given time (given that each link could be good, bad, or neutral). That last number in particular gets really big really fast, and all it takes is one bad vibe to make the whole thing tumble down like a house of cards.
Well, it's the same as any social group, really, but the stakes are higher. Or maybe they're exactly the same and it's just that this generation's notion of "relationship" has a much lower bar than previous ones.
Yeah, I hear you.
To be honest with you, the "You're not competing" thing never sits right with me, either, for most practical purposes, because even though capital-L Love is not a finite resource, time most definitely is. So even if you're not technically competing for affection, attention, or warm fuzzies, you're definitely still competing for your common partner's time.
I work 40 hours a week (and not one of those easy-to-work with 40 hours a week, I'm talking nights and weekends here). I've got to divide the remaining time between Allyson, Missy, and recording songs. I'm a little bit amazed that I've got time to poop these days.
Plus, yeah, the whole interconnectedness of it... brian wasn't talking about poly relationships when he drew
this comic, but it's as apt an explanation as I've ever found.
So yeah, it can get complicated. And it can get complicated real fast. Here's my pontification, since it seems to have worked for me so far...
Stay in touch, communicate small concerns, all that crap that relationship advice people tell you to do. But I also think it's important that these open communications be done with a casual mood, one of lightheartedness, if possible, and should be received in the same way. It can get exhausting if you're having these big emotional "how is everyone with this arrangement" talks every few days, and that makes people want to avoid communicating.
Life gets in the way of music (and creation) far too often. Persevere!