What Happened Last Year
Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2023 11:09 pm
What Happened Last Year
by damikhz
I quit my job
And found myself
Sleeping in until 10
Eating breakfast and then
Going back to to sleep again
I lost myself in feedback networks
And strange stereo fields
Sliced up sound into grains
And made a harp
Plucked by patch cables
I sang songs of pain and hope
And traced the peaks and valleys
Of my feelings to weave a story
About falling apart at the seams
I went into nature
With a hundred fools
Where we beat drums
And searched for jewels
In the wreckage of our lives
And the ashes of a fire
That burned up who we thought
We were
And sure, sometimes I was happy
But more often there was depression
And anxiety
Misguided attempts at piety
Holding on to hurt
And hurting friends
I longed for a companion
But was afraid of being abandoned
So I left my desires unspoken
Dancing around the subject of intimacy
Where love might have been
I met a friend who likes to travel
And we traversed a peninsula on bike-back
Pitching tents in parks among pines
Slipping our bodies into
A still-cold crescent lake
We rehydrated our souls
And curry in plastic bowls
I pulled wagons through makeshift encampments
Cups of soup and chocolate Ensure
Received with gratitude
But never sure of who
would remain at that latitude
When it snowed I cried
And wondered why I
Get to sleep safe and sound
While so many people
Have to sleep on the ground
I dug graves
For a death ritual
But felt no closer to my own
Shoveling dirt with a father and son
Unearthing ancient river stones
Shaking habitual tension
From my muscles and bones
We thanked the Earth
And the trees
And the sky
They slaughtered a chicken
For our final meal
And I started to feel
Alive again
I saw a waterfall near a Bend in the river
I shivered in the Badlands
But a circle of brothers
Warmed my heart
I wanted to believe
We are only as alone
As we choose to be
So I went home
Looking for connection
In the midst of this inflection point
That feels more like an abyss
To learn family history
To find out what I missed as a child
That makes it so difficult
To speak my needs
That leaves me yearning for skin-to-skin
With someone who loves me
I can't tell you
What happened last year
It was a liminal space
Where I tried to face my fears
Where I tried to see myself
As something other than a failure
And I largely failed
Well that ship has sailed
And I can continue to impale myself
On the spears of success
Or I can disarm
And reharmonize this sad song
Turning my longing
into a grand chorus of
I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy!
Clap my hands so you'll know it
And face the New Year
With a Cheshire Cat grin
Refusing to play a game
That I will never win
by damikhz
I quit my job
And found myself
Sleeping in until 10
Eating breakfast and then
Going back to to sleep again
I lost myself in feedback networks
And strange stereo fields
Sliced up sound into grains
And made a harp
Plucked by patch cables
I sang songs of pain and hope
And traced the peaks and valleys
Of my feelings to weave a story
About falling apart at the seams
I went into nature
With a hundred fools
Where we beat drums
And searched for jewels
In the wreckage of our lives
And the ashes of a fire
That burned up who we thought
We were
And sure, sometimes I was happy
But more often there was depression
And anxiety
Misguided attempts at piety
Holding on to hurt
And hurting friends
I longed for a companion
But was afraid of being abandoned
So I left my desires unspoken
Dancing around the subject of intimacy
Where love might have been
I met a friend who likes to travel
And we traversed a peninsula on bike-back
Pitching tents in parks among pines
Slipping our bodies into
A still-cold crescent lake
We rehydrated our souls
And curry in plastic bowls
I pulled wagons through makeshift encampments
Cups of soup and chocolate Ensure
Received with gratitude
But never sure of who
would remain at that latitude
When it snowed I cried
And wondered why I
Get to sleep safe and sound
While so many people
Have to sleep on the ground
I dug graves
For a death ritual
But felt no closer to my own
Shoveling dirt with a father and son
Unearthing ancient river stones
Shaking habitual tension
From my muscles and bones
We thanked the Earth
And the trees
And the sky
They slaughtered a chicken
For our final meal
And I started to feel
Alive again
I saw a waterfall near a Bend in the river
I shivered in the Badlands
But a circle of brothers
Warmed my heart
I wanted to believe
We are only as alone
As we choose to be
So I went home
Looking for connection
In the midst of this inflection point
That feels more like an abyss
To learn family history
To find out what I missed as a child
That makes it so difficult
To speak my needs
That leaves me yearning for skin-to-skin
With someone who loves me
I can't tell you
What happened last year
It was a liminal space
Where I tried to face my fears
Where I tried to see myself
As something other than a failure
And I largely failed
Well that ship has sailed
And I can continue to impale myself
On the spears of success
Or I can disarm
And reharmonize this sad song
Turning my longing
into a grand chorus of
I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy!
Clap my hands so you'll know it
And face the New Year
With a Cheshire Cat grin
Refusing to play a game
That I will never win