The Song Fight Bulletin Board

by Ross Durand

Well I was standing in the coffee shop a-singin' a song
And 2 or 3 guys are kinda mumblin' along
When in walks a kid wearing G-Unit clothes
And sits down in the back with a cup of joe

Well I kept on singin' I was spinning a tale
About a boat that went down in a terrible gale
Then up walks this kids with a limp and a bob
And he sticks out his fist and says, "Yo, that was fresh, dogg!"

He says, "Call me Sonny. I got a record label.
Gonna make you a star just the best as I'm able."
He says, "First of all the thing that you need is a beat,
You need to lose the guitar, you need to move your feet."

So the next thing I know I'm rockin' the mic
I don't know what I'm sayin' but it's what the crowd likes
And guys at the shop are sippin' coffee nog
They might be real cool cats, but I'm a real fresh dogg.

You can call me R Diddy, you can call me Rossie-D
You can call me what you like, don't make no difference to me
Cause I'm wearing the bling and livin' high on the hog
Yeah, you can call me a sell-out, but the girls call me Fresh Dogg

Fresh Dog – Stuart Miller SF Dec 9, 2005
Okay with helpful italic interpretation for those uneducated in Scots

VERSE 1
Wha’ll gae chasin’ the wee fresh dug
Who will go chasing the small fresh dog?
Wae his big gallus collar, watch him lyin oan the rug
With his big shiny collar, watch him lying on the rug
He’ll chew yer Nicky ‘Tams, take a bite at yer heels
He will chew at your string tied trouser bottoms and take a bite at your heels
Have ye dancin’ faster than an eigthsome reel
Have you dancing faster that a speedy Scottish dance designed for 4 couples and based on a 40-48-40 bar structure usually performed at lively Scottish country dance celebrations accompanied by lots of whisky

CHORUS
He’s a crazy wee man, a real bampot
He is a crazy small man, a complete lunatic
Chase ye roun the hooses, hae ye jiggin oan the spot
Chase you around the houses, have you dancing on the spot
He’s a real humdinger, chew everythin’ ye’ve goat
He is beyond belief, chew everything you have got
Do a Jimmy on yer shoes and a Gladys oan yer coat
Urinate (Jimmy=Jimmy Riddle=Piddle=urinate) on your shoes and defecate (Gladys=Gladys Knight=Shite=defecate) on your coat

VERSE 2
See him sookin’ up tae that Gallus wee lass
See him trying to ingratiate himself on that tarty young lady
Pits his nose in her lap as she scratches his arse
Puts his nose on her lap as she scratches his rear quarters
He gie’s me the boak, it sticks in ma craw
He makes me sick, it sticks in my throat
But I’m a wee bit jealous when he licks his ain baws
But I am slighty jealous that he can lick his cojones

CHORUS
He’s a crazy wee man, a real bampot
He is a crazy small man, a complete lunatic
Chase ye roun the hooses hae ye jiggin oan the spot
Chase you around the house have you dancing on the spot
He’s a real humdinger, chew everythin’ ye’ve goat
He is beyond belief, chew everything you have got
Do a Jimmy on yer shoes and a Gladys oan yer coat
Urinate (Jimmy=Jimmy Riddle=Piddle=urinate) on your shoes and defecate (Gladys=Gladys Knight=Shite=defecate) on your coat

On behalf of my little brother Kurt, I shall post his lyrics for Fresh Dog.

Fresh Dog, by Kurt

Smalltown Mike:
You think you’re so fresh, dog
braggin with your pants saggin, let me check the
checklist. gold necklace. fake rolex
check, now go and get a street rep
you get your gold fronts and you’re smoking
blunts like them other ....
listen. you think you’re ruthless but the truth is
no gold record til you get yourself
a record ... yea, your criminal record

Boltoph:
(any dog that chews his own bone goes home)
(any way you go, sniff your way, you'll know)

Smalltown:
you think you’re so fresh dog with your
hat rocked sideways talking bout drivebys
about the money you got, the gold watch you bought,
rap battles you fought and other rappers you shot
you got your gold record

Boltoph:
Just when you thought he was pulling a no-show
he picks up his last step and
throws a whole foot down in your home
I'm just wondering
if you're that fresh dog's ho

Smalltown:
you think you’re so fresh dog
you rhyme party, bacardi, hilfigger trigger
and every time it’s time to rock the mic
you talk about the clothes and wine you like
i don’t want to be a critic
but it feels like i’m living in the middle of a headache—
apathetic, acidic and pathetic, spitting
words of wisdom and I ain't gonna listen

Boltoph:
Just when you thought it was time to go
he puts down your bags and says
you ain't going nowhere
(nowhere is fine with me, I don't care)

Just when you thought it was time to go
you picked up your last trip and took it all the way home
but you'll never go there

You think you're a fresh dog

yo!
I got a little dog the doggy's name is Doggy Fresh
and out of every single dog I've ever met, he's the best
and the rest of the dogs in the world, I wouldn't own 'em
yo my moms tried to clone him -- I got sewn in
his skin a little microchip
so he could be a cyborg -- wanna get him equipped
with a GPS and the 802.11b
so he could hit me up on IRC when he gotta go out and pee
and not just stand by the door and whine
wish he'd grow an opposable thumb sometimes
yo but I don't mind it gets me out and about
it's good to walk around the block, remind the dog he ain't allowed
to eat no street chicken, and chase no squirrels
just to keep on kicking with a tail that curls
just to keep on fancy stepping with the ears that flop
just to rock, yes, Doggy Fresh you don't stop

(who's a good boy? who's a good boy?)

I got a little dog the doggy's name is Doggy Fresh
and he be crazy charismatic like David Koresh
you can try to stay pissed about the fur on your clothes
but look out you 'bout to giggle when he lick on your nose
call and he shows up fast, he throws up grass,
if you got a nice carpet he be dragging his ass
and he don't like baths, and he barks at intruders,
he be begging where the food is like his owner was the cruelest
non-dog-food-purchasing dog owner ever
he occasionally ekes out a treat through this endeavor
but you got to forgive him with his big brown eyes
you got to go on to admit my dog's incredibly fly
he 'bout as fierce as a wolf, 'bout as big as a fox
if he drops one beat I'ma knock 'em out the box
yo your cat's name may be Maceo
but my dog is Doggy Fresh and Doggy Fresh is good to go!

That's not Pica, is it?

Well of course it is. Doggy Fresh is his rap name. The lame girlfriend I lived with when I adopted him would not let me name him Doggy Fresh outright.

Oh. I thought Pica was a girl. Hence my confusion. Pretty typical for me, I guess.