Joke Thread

Hoblit · Post by **Hoblit** » Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:04 am

Guy walks into bar and notices a monkey on the bar just sitting there quietly.

Bartender walks up and ask the guy what he'll have. The guy orders a beer and sits there sipping his beer and watching the monkey in peace. Finally curiousity gets the best of him and he calls over the bartender to ask him about the monkey.

"well," said the bartender "allow me to demonstrate". He then, out of nowhere grabs a club and starts slamming it into the monkey's skull as the monkey scurries down from the bar and unzips the bartenders pants and starts to *you know what*

"WOW" exclaimed the man "That's AMAZING!"

Bartender asks " would you like to try it?"

"yes" said the man " but don't hit me so hard with the club "

roymond · Post by **roymond** » Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:40 am

SANTA'S BAD DAY

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

deshead · Post by **deshead** » Wed Dec 22, 2004 2:20 pm

The Pope and the Queen were on stage at some event or other, basically fulfulling an obligation, but bored out of their minds. To pass the time, the Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says "Watch this." She waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes mental, cheering like The Queen was waving just to them.

So the Pope is all, "wow, nice, how'm I gonna top that?" He thinks for a minute, then turns to her and says, "I bet I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way Pope, can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

Tony Asbestos · Post by **Tony Asbestos** » Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:59 pm

A piece of rope walks into a bar. He looks over the bartender, who says, "We don't serve your kind here". Disgruntled, the rope walks away. While outside the bar, He ruffles his head up, twists himself around, and goes back in.
"Hey! I know you", said the bartender. "Aren't you that rope who was just in here!!"
The rope responds, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot".

c hack · Post by **c hack** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 11:02 am

Me$$iah wrote:A girl walks into a bar
she walk upto the bar tender and says
"Id like a double entendre please"
so he gave her one

Kamakura · Post by **Kamakura** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:42 pm

Dr Watson arrives back at 221b Baker Street to find the door painted yellow. He rushes upstairs to find Sherlock Holmes reading by the fire.
"Sherlock, the door has been painted bright yellow. why?"
"A lemon entry my dear Watson." Holmes replies.

...sorry.

Post by jb » Fri Jan 28, 2005 3:00 pm

Kamakura wrote:Dr Watson arrives back at 221b Baker Street to find the door painted yellow. He rushes upstairs to find Sherlock Holmes reading by the fire.
"Sherlock, the door has been painted bright yellow. why?"
"A lemon entry my dear Watson." Holmes replies.

...sorry.

omg

HeuristicsInc · Post by **HeuristicsInc** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 4:05 pm

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Pizza I'm here to wash your windows.
...
My niece (5) and nephew (7) find this joke uproariously funny. I'm guessing it's a joke they heard that they are mis-remembering, but I have no idea. Just about any word can replace "pizza" in their joke.
Kids are weird.
-bill