Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

[JonPorobil]

Man, I can't remember a single day I've ever wanted to go to work (or school, or whatever) less. Time to update the resume. At least I have a pretty good excuse, since my company was recently purchased.

Question of the Day: Heard any good jokes lately?

Two cookies are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here."

The other says: "AHHH!!!! A TALKING COOKIE!"

[rone rivendale]

lol, I love corny jokes like that.

QotD: Good jokes lately? Well, I listened to Jon Eric's SF catalog the other day and...

[fluffy]

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!

What is the range of a tuba? About twenty feet, depending on your arm!

Lawsuit-Proof Personnel Recommendations: "In my opinion, you'll be fortunate to get this person to work for you." "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

[Caravan Ray]

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!

[Märk]

qotd: Little Johnny is heading out the door with a roll of Duck Tape. His grampa notices this, and asks him what he's up to. "I'm going duck hunting!" he boasts enthusiastically, to which grampa replies "Now hang on- you can't catch ducks with Duck Tape!". Johnny just shrugs and continues on. About an hour later, he comes back with 6 ducks stuck to the tape. Grampa is bewildered. Early the next morning, Johnny is heading out with a roll of chicken wire, and his grampa asks "Let me guess- you're going hunting chickens?" and Johnny nods affirmatively. "Now hang on- you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says grampa, but Johnny's already out of the yard. Sure enough, an hour later he returns with 8 chickens caught up in the wire. Grampa is amazed.
Bright and early the next morning, Johnny heads out the door with a handfull of pussy willows. Grampa yells "Hang on! I just need to grab my jacket!"

[rone rivendale]

qotd: Little Johnny is heading out the door with a roll of Duck Tape. His grampa notices this, and asks him what he's up to. "I'm going duck hunting!" he boasts enthusiastically, to which grampa replies "Now hang on- you can't catch ducks with Duck Tape!". Johnny just shrugs and continues on. About an hour later, he comes back with 6 ducks stuck to the tape. Grampa is bewildered. Early the next morning, Johnny is heading out with a roll of chicken wire, and his grampa asks "Let me guess- you're going hunting chickens?" and Johnny nods affirmatively. "Now hang on- you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says grampa, but Johnny's already out of the yard. Sure enough, an hour later he returns with 8 chickens caught up in the wire. Grampa is amazed.
Bright and early the next morning, Johnny heads out the door with a handfull of pussy willows. Grampa yells "Hang on! I just need to grab my jacket!"

I think I'm too smart for this joke, considering I know that it isn't called Duck tape, it's DUCT tape.

[Denyer]

Last year my girlfriend and I were walking past this couple outside a pub. The woman was telling the man that he'd had too much to drink and it was time to go home. This bloke just starts going off his nut and belting into her with left and right hooks. My girlfriend turns to me and says "aren't you going to help?", I just said "Nah, Looks like he's got the situation under control"

[Märk]

I think I'm too smart for this joke, considering I know that it isn't called Duck tape, it's DUCT tape.

http://duckproducts.com/products/subcat ... =1&SubID=1

[Märk]

Last year my girlfriend and I were walking past this couple outside a pub. The woman was telling the man that he'd had too much to drink and it was time to go home. This bloke just starts going off his nut and belting into her with left and right hooks. My girlfriend turns to me and says "aren't you going to help?", I just said "Nah, Looks like he's got the situation under control"

The funniest part of this joke is you claiming to have a girlfriend!

[JonPorobil]

I think I'm too smart for this joke, considering I know that it isn't called Duck tape, it's DUCT tape.

http://duckproducts.com/products/subcat ... =1&SubID=1

I can do you one better.

[Denyer]

qotd: Little Johnny is heading out the door with a roll of Duck Tape. His grampa notices this, and asks him what he's up to. "I'm going duck hunting!" he boasts enthusiastically, to which grampa replies "Now hang on- you can't catch ducks with Duck Tape!". Johnny just shrugs and continues on. About an hour later, he comes back with 6 ducks stuck to the tape. Grampa is bewildered. Early the next morning, Johnny is heading out with a roll of chicken wire, and his grampa asks "Let me guess- you're going hunting chickens?" and Johnny nods affirmatively. "Now hang on- you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says grampa, but Johnny's already out of the yard. Sure enough, an hour later he returns with 8 chickens caught up in the wire. Grampa is amazed.
Bright and early the next morning, Johnny heads out the door with a handfull of pussy willows. Grampa yells "Hang on! I just need to grab my jacket!"

I think I'm too smart for this joke, considering I know that it isn't called Duck tape, it's DUCT tape.

A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$150.00!" "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

[Denyer]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"

"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"And your ears", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck inquires, a bit bemused.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a bricklayer?"

[Lunkhead]

There's a good joke here:

http://video.telegraph.co.uk/services/p ... 9980405001

[rone rivendale]

L R B, M R Ducks!!

[Spud]

L R B? L I B maybe.

[signboy]

naw, you've got to be a newfie to do it right:

whale oil beef hooked, MR ducks!

[Eric Y.]

Best joke in the thread so far --

I think I'm too smart

[HeuristicsInc]

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street.
One of them says, "Oh! I just lost my electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
-bill

[fluffy]

A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "indeed, I encyst upon it."