Dirty Joke Thread (18+ ONLY!)

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Sun Mar 26, 2006 10:35 pm

I'll start:

Q: What's long and hard and fucks old women?

A: Osteoporosis

Leaf · Post by **Leaf** » Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:11 pm

what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

Damien Verrett (Jonas) · Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:14 pm

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The holocaust.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:16 am

Q: What smells worse than a mixture of skunk's ass, burning hair, rotting meat, and old, hot garbage?

A: YOUR MOM

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:19 am

Two condoms are walking down the street. They walk by a gay bar. One of them stops and says to the other "Hey, we should go in and get shitfaced!"

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:22 am

Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?

A: One of them lost a nickel.

Niveous · Post by **Niveous** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:36 am

How do you get 100 dead babies in a garbage can?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

Mogosagatai · Post by **Mogosagatai** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:42 am

Uh-oh, someone pulled out the dead baby jokes...

Q: What's the difference between a golden, delicious apple and a dead baby?

A: I don't cum all over a golden, delicious apple after taking a big bite out of it.

Thank you.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Fuck her.

john m · Post by **john m** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:00 am

Q. What do you give a blind, deaf, and mute kid for Christmas?
A. Cancer.

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing. You already told her twice.

WeaselSlayer · Post by **WeaselSlayer** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 6:53 am

I have bar-none the best dead baby joke.

Q: What noise does a baby make in a blender?
A: Eh, I dunno I was too busy masturbating.

Also I'm fond of: My grandfather died in Auschwitz. He got drunk one night and fell off the guard tower.

furrypedro · Post by **furrypedro** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 7:34 am

wrong wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG

fodroy · Post by **fodroy** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 8:49 am

Q: what's the worst part about sex with a four-year-old?

A: Getting the blood out of your clownsuit.

[/goin' to hell]

Mogosagatai · Post by **Mogosagatai** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 9:05 am

But the best part is, your dick looks so big in his tiny little hands.

fodroy · Post by **fodroy** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:12 am

round 2. don't read this one if you were appalled by the last one.
Q: What's the best the thing about sex in the shower with a six-year-old girl?

A: Slick back her hair and now she's a six-year-old boy.

Niveous · Post by **Niveous** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:35 am

There was once a world traveller who searched for antiques. He loved his job but it had one drawback. He always had to leave his wife behind. She was an extremely beautiful woman and he would spend much of his trips worrying that she was cheating on him.

One day while in Haiti, thetraveller was in a shop when the shopkeeper stopped him and said "I sense you have some turmoil in your life. You're worried that your wife is cheating on you."

"Yes. How did you know?" replied the traveller.

"I can sense these things. Here, I have something that will help you." The shopkeeper then handed him a wooden box.

"What's this?"

"Just send this to your wife and tell her to read the instructions. If she uses this, you'll never have to worry about her cheating on you ever again. When you come home, she will be waiting for you happy and content."

After some more discussion with the shopkeeper, the traveller decided to send the box. A few days later, the box arrived back in the states. The traveller's wife received it and opened up the package. She found a note from her husband.

"Dear love, I know that you've been very lonely without me. This gift will help ease the wait until my return. "

She was so excited, she hurriedly opened the wooden box and found a large penis inside and another note.

This is Voodoo Dick. All one has to do is say "Voodoo Dick, my pussy" and Voodoo Dick will pleasure you...

In all the time the world traveller had been gone, his wife hadn't cheated. So when she read that, she got very excited to try and ran into the bedroom with Voodoo Dick. She stripped off her clothes, jumped on her bed and said "Voodoo Dick, my pussy". Voodoo Dick leaped out of it's box, jumped onto the bed and then began fucking the wife. She had never felt anything like it. Soon she was having orgasm after orgasm. But after an hour, she began to get tired. She grabbed Voodoo Dick and pulled it out her and it immediately jumped back in and started fucking away.

She freaked out and pulled it out again, only to have it jump in again. So she grabbed it with all her strength, pulled it out her pussy and tossed it across the room. Voodoo Dick hit the wall and then began hopping back towards her. She screamed and ran out the bedroom with Voodoo Dick in hot pursuit. She cried out "Voodoo Dick, No."; "Voodoo Dick, Stop" and other things to no avail. She hadn't read all the instructions and had no idea how to turn Voodoo Dick off.

She ran to her front door, only to get tackled from behind by Voodoo Dick. It fucked her doogie style until she reached behind her and tossed it out. She grabbed her car keys and made a run through the door. Buck naked, she ran and jumped into her car. She let out a sigh of relief. But then she saw Voodoo Dick had gotten out of the house and was hopping towards the car. She put the car in drive and bolted down the road as fast as she could. She looked in her rear view and could see Voodoo Dick still hopping in pursuit.

Then she saw something else in her rear view- a police car. The officer pulled her over and came over to her car.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can you explain why you are naked and were driving at 90 MPH?" yelled the officer.

"Officer, you've gotta help me. I'm being chased by Voodoo Dick!"

"Voodoo Dick, my ass."

blue · Post by **blue** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:16 pm

Q: How can you tell a woman is having an orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Bjam · Post by **Bjam** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:30 pm

Q. How many womens rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they can't change anything.

Eric Y. · Post by **Eric Y.** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:34 pm

two old women are sitting outside their nursing home, smoking cigarettes and talking. suddenly it starts raining, and one of the women pulls a condom out of her pocket, cuts a hole in the end and sticks it over her cigarette to keep it dry. the second woman thinks this is a great idea, so she asks where she can get one.

so the woman goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. he looks, surprised, at the elderly woman and asks what type she is looking for. "oh i don't know," she replies, "have you got any that will fit a camel?"

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 7:01 pm

Q: What's the best thing about sex with twenty-six year old girls?

A: There's twenty of them

Hoblit · Post by **Hoblit** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 10:17 am

Guy rings the doorbell at his best friend Danny's house. Danny's girlfriend opens the door.

Guy: Is Danny in?
Girl: Yeah but he's in the shower, but do come in and sit down:
Guy: OK. Say, you're looking quite nice.
Girl: Thanks
Guy: Your boobs look especially lovely today.
Girl: I beg your pardon?
Guy: No really. Hey, if I give a 100 bucks, can I touch one?
Girl: WHAT?er.. I dunno, I mean what about Danny?
Guy: Aw c'mon, just one, he's still in the shower and it's $100! please?
Girl: OK, ...I guess so... $100 first though.
Guy: (puts down money on the table and gives the left boob a good grab) My my, feeling nice! I just have to feel the other one as well. I'll give another 100 bucks!
Girl: Well ....okay... its other easy 100 i guess.
Guy: (puts down 2nd 100 bill andgrabs the right boob and gives it long rub)OK thanks, I'm off!
Girl: Eh? OK...uh.. bye.
Now Danny comes walking from the stairs.
Danny: Who was that?
Girl: Oh just Jake, but he already left.
Danny: Did he finally bring that 200 bucks he owes me?!

a bebop a rebop · Post by **a bebop a rebop** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 10:26 am

What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a gremlin?

...

I don't have a gremlin in my garage.

gert · Post by **gert** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 10:28 am

A gentleman and a drunk are sitting at a bar talking, and the gentleman says to the drunk, "I bet you that I can get the phone number of any girl in this bar."

"Oh yeah?" says the drunk. "Prove it."

The gentleman walks up to the most beautiful girl in the bar and says to her, "Tickle your cunt with a feather?"

"WHAT!?" replies the woman.

"Oh, I said, typical country weather," says the gentleman.

Feeling very embarrassed, the woman begins to talk to the gentleman and eventually gives him her number.

The gentleman walks back to the drunk and says, "See, that's all there is to it. You say 'Tickle your cunt with a feather.' and when they get upset all you do is tell them that you ment to say 'typical country weather'."

With his new knowledge, the drunk goes up to another beautiful woman and says to her, "HEY! SHOVE A BRICK UP YOUR ASS!"

She looks at him and gasps, "WHAT!?"

He replies, "IT'S FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE!"