August 13, 2008

[Niveous]

DRC: It's another day grinding out Immigration work for me. And many a conversation about the Olympics. Last night was good night for drama with Phelps highs and Sacramone lows. Good entertainment.

QotD:
I just came back from a conference that include a bunch of horrible lawyer jokes and an equally bad set of "walks into a bar" jokes. So, my question for today is....

What is the worst Lawyer or Bar joke you've ever heard?

[Billy's Little Trip]

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

[erik]

My dad, a doctor, used to tell this one growing up:

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?










A good start.

[Lunkhead]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies incredulously, "You've got drink named 'Harold'?!"

[Billy's Little Trip]

A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Niveous]

Best joke from the conference:

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears here."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears here."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears or druggies here."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

[Albatross]

Two partners from a local law firm are having dinner together. Suddenly one of them exclaims "Oh crap, I forgot to lock the safe in the office!"

"It's okay." says the other lawyer. "We're both here."

-------

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

[Caravan Ray]

Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says: "Why the long face?"

[Caravan Ray]

Bear in a bar with a beer joke

That would be completely indecipherable if told with a New Zealand accent:
...eh 'bro, a beer walked into a burr an ordered a bear...

[Märk]

qotd: A rabbi, a catholic priest, and a three-legged dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks "What is this? Some sort of set up for a stupid joke?"

[Märk]

(cont.) How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

[rone rivendale]

A man walks into a bar... and says "Ouch!"

[Lunkhead]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and sees that the pirate's fly is open and his dick is hanging out. The bartender exclaims, "Hey, you've got a ship's wheel attached to your dick!" The pirated explains, "Yaaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

[Niveous]

Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says: "Why the long face?"

This joke as done at the conference:

Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says: "Why the long face?"

Giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says: "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar....

[Reist]

Celine Dion walks into a bar....

I would have said Cher.

[roymond]

Hey, not all lawyers are bad. It's just that 99% make the rest of them look bad.

[Märk]

Q: Why do lawyers have flat noses?
A: Chasing parked ambulances.

[Spud]

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer....





















...and some peanuts."

The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

[Caravan Ray]

"Why the big pause?"

Oh yeah! I forgot that one.

That is the best "walks into a bar" joke of all time.

I have told that a thousand times - but it still cracked me up when I read it.

[Eric Y.]

"Yaaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Heard that joke recently from Dave Pirner.

"Ouch!"

Three guys walked into a bar...........
you'd think at least the third one would've ducked.

Horse walks into a bar

This one was stolen directly from Fozzie Bear.
So a guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter.
Horse says, "What's the matter, you surprised to see me here?"
Guy says, "Yeah! Did the cow sell the place?"

(probably more effective when told on roller skates)

[Caravan Ray]

This one was stolen directly from Fozzie Bear.

Many years ago - I was the President of a engineering student society. One of that societies proud, long running traditions was the organisation of a live sex show for its members. 'Kulcha Nite' as it was know was truly the most depraved thing I have ever seen in my life - and suffice to say, that's saying a bit. I recall cleaning up after that particular event - and amongst the unmentional bits of flotsam - was a Fozzie Bear hand-puppet. I don't recall Fozzie being part of the evenings entertainment - but I was very busy that evening, I may have missed it. Anyway, somehow, that Fozzie Bear hand puppet ended up in a box of stuff, that ended up at my house. Now - some 20 years later - that damn hand puppet is still floating around in the boxes of junk that I have been moving around for years without ever unpacking. Recently, my young daughter saw the puppet and wanted to play with it. Man that was disturbing. Fozzie finally went to his rest in a mini-skip where he belongs. But. Somehow. I miss him.

[jimtyrrell]

Decartes walks into a bar and says to the bartender "You're going to give me a drink for free!"
The bartender says "I think not!" and he disappears.