Dirty Joke Thread (18+ ONLY!)

[JonPorobil]

Did you hear about the Jew who got an erection and walked into a wall?

...He broke his nose.

[signboy]

Tarzan is swinging through the jungle one day, and wouldn't ya know it, a vine snaps. He bails hard into the swamp below, where the alligators completely go to town on him. They eat out his eye, chomp off his arm, rip off his leg, and bite off his dick, then leave him bleeding in the muck to die. All is not lost, however. A bunch of jungle pygmies come by on their hunt and see Tarzan, in his last moments of life. They pick him up and bring him to the tribe's witch doctor as quick as they can. The doctor looks at Tarzan and says "ooh, this bad. We need parts, or Tarzan die." So the pygmies run off in search of transplantable parts.
They see an eagle, and shoot it down with their blowdarts, to take it's fantastic eye. A little later, they spot a gorilla, pin it down, and cut its arm off. Then they come across a gazelle, and sneak up on it all pygmy like, and take its leg. They're just about done, and all they need is a dick fit for the king of the jungle, so they go back to the gorilla who now has only one arm. No luck. even with only one arm, he puts up too much of a fight, and is NOT letting them get his gorilladick. The pygmies are distraught, heading home with a mission only partly completed, when one of them has an idea. He runs over to an elephant, and lops a couple feet off its trunk. They run back to the witch doctor, who stitches the parts onto Tarzan.
<2 years later>
Tarzan, fully recovered, is swinging through the jungle, when he sees the witch doctor that saved his life. Being grateful, he stops in to say hi. The witch doctor asks how all his parts are doing. Tarzan replies "Great! with this eye, I can see as far as an eagle! And with this leg, I'm as fast as a gazelle! And with this arm, I'm as strong as a gorilla! but... THIS THING... I dunno... every time I swing too low, it keeps scooping up leaves, and shoving them up my ass!"

[Billy's Little Trip]

Guy rings the doorbell at his best friend Danny's house. Danny's girlfriend opens the door.


Guy: Is Danny in?
Girl: Yeah but he's in the shower, but do come in and sit down:
Guy: OK. Say, you're looking quite nice.
Girl: Thanks
Guy: Your boobs look especially lovely today.
Girl: I beg your pardon?
Guy: No really. Hey, if I give a 100 bucks, can I touch one?
Girl: WHAT?er.. I dunno, I mean what about Danny?
Guy: Aw c'mon, just one, he's still in the shower and it's $100! please?
Girl: OK, ...I guess so... $100 first though.
Guy: (puts down money on the table and gives the left boob a good grab) My my, feeling nice! I just have to feel the other one as well. I'll give another 100 bucks!
Girl: Well ....okay... its other easy 100 i guess.
Guy: (puts down 2nd 100 bill andgrabs the right boob and gives it long rub)OK thanks, I'm off!
Girl: Eh? OK...uh.. bye.
Now Danny comes walking from the stairs.
Danny: Who was that?
Girl: Oh just Jake, but he already left.
Danny: Did he finally bring that 200 bucks he owes me?!

3 years later, but I have to tell you. This joke has got SO many laughs when ever I tell it.

[signboy]

three nunsd die in a tragic bus tradgedy. oh my god. what the fuck. barbeque. they get to the pearly gates, andst petyr says
"wait aminnit lafies. heavn id getting kindsa full, and you have to answer a skill tesing iwqestion to get in."
he asks the first nun: "who was the first man on earth?"
the nunreplies: "oh, that's an easy one. Adam"
st petyr says "correct! you may enter"
he saks the second nun :"who was the first woman on earth?"
the nun replies: "oh, that's an easy ione, Eve."
st petyr says "correct! you may enter"
he asks the thirdd nun: "what was the first thing eve said to adam?"
the nun replies "oh, that's a hard one...."
st petyr replies: "correct! you may enter"

[Märk]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimmie a beer, and a mop"

[JonPorobil]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimmie a beer, and a mop"

That one's not dirty!

[Teplin]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimmie a beer, and a mop"

That one's not dirty!

Have you ever had beer spilled on your floor? It's FILTHY!

[Märk]

So I'm banging the hell out this gal the other day, and suddenly she's all "WHOA WHOA WHOA!! What's with the finger in the ass? STOP IT."

And I'm all "Hey- It's *my* finger, and it's *my* ass, why would you care?!"

[roymond]

[Märk]

Q: What is the leading cause of paedophilia?
A: Sexy children.

[Billy's Little Trip]

Not a dirty joke, but I didn't know where esle to put this. May be a repost for some, but it really made me laugh. Missy the missing cat

[rone rivendale]

I love cats and that is STILL the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

[signboy]

HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha aaahhhh, haha. heh. Just sayin.

[Billy's Little Trip]

Ever since I saw the missing cat thing, I've been popping in to see what's new. Not all win, but I seem to get a smile most of the time. This guy is seriously Song Fight material. I should invite him over, lol.

His 25 minutes on chat roulette experience.