Dirty Joke Thread (18+ ONLY!)

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 6:37 pm

These are all really good people. Keep them coming!

Q: What's the difference between a bunch of babies and bunch of bowling balls?

A: You can't load bowling balls onto the back of a truck with a pitchfork.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 6:51 pm

One that probably only the Canadians will get:

There's this massive Newfie sitting at the bar, drinking his beer. Like, the guy is *huge*. 6 foot 5 and 300 lbs., all muscle. And mean as a pitbull. A tiny little gay guy walks into the bar, and sees the Newfie sitting there. He is lovestruck. This is the man of his dreams. So, he decides to take a shot, he sits down next to him, and offers to buy him a beer. The Newfie kind of grunts, and accepts. A few beers later, he's actually being friendly and conversational with the gay guy. Gay guy decides it's time to make his move- he whispers in the Newfie's ear "Hey, if you come outside with me right now, I'll give you a blowjob in my car"

Well holy fuck, the Newfie goes *batshit* crazy. He jumps off of his stool, grabs the gay guy by the scruff of the neck, smashes him into the bar half a dozen times, launches him clear across the room, picks him up again, and throws him right *through* the front door. Then calmly goes back to his seat and continues sipping his Guinness. The bartender, shocked, says to him "What the hell was that all about? What did that guy say to you?"

"Eh, I dunno. Sumtin' 'bout a job"

Niveous · Post by **Niveous** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:08 pm

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over the speed limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?" said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What? A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the heck do you do with a 6 foot rectum?"

I replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridgeâ€¦"

Me$$iah · Post by **Me$$iah** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:34 pm

Niv,

Now thats funny

Screaming Poet · Post by **Screaming Poet** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 6:25 pm

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop dead baby one scoop ice cream.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Thu Apr 13, 2006 6:59 pm

Screaming Poet wrote:How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop dead baby one scoop ice cream.

You forgot the rootbeer! (d'oh)

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Sat May 13, 2006 2:07 pm

Q:How can you tell if your room mate is gay?

A1:He gets a huge erection while you're fucking him in the ass.

A2:His cock totally tastes like shit.

Hoblit · Post by **Hoblit** » Sat May 13, 2006 8:10 pm

Sven wrote:Q:How can you tell if your room mate is gay?

A1:He gets a huge erection while you're fucking him in the ass.

A2:His cock totally tastes like shit.

No more 40 year old virgin for you.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Sat May 13, 2006 8:55 pm

Hoblit wrote:
Sven wrote:Q:How can you tell if your room mate is gay?

A1:He gets a huge erection while you're fucking him in the ass.

A2:His cock totally tastes like shit.
No more 40 year old virgin for you.

Were those on 40YOV? I never saw the movie. I probably should, everyone told me it's hilarious.

Hoblit · Post by **Hoblit** » Sat May 13, 2006 8:58 pm

yeah, the second one is. They chide each other with ' you know how I know you're gay?' ... one of the answers in the deleted scenes was A2

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Sat May 13, 2006 9:18 pm

I'm downloading it right now on bittorrent. I officially don't have a life. I mean, it's Saturday night, and I'm home, alone.. downloading 40YOV...

j$ · Post by j$ » Sun May 14, 2006 5:57 am

Yeah, we all know it's not 40YOV you're downloadin' alone on a saturday night, sven. It's gay porn.

Q:How can you tell your room-mate's gay?
A: His name is Sven.

A2: Am I alone in thinking that deleted scene was the best thing in a good movie, and would happily watch hours and hours of the two of them wittering while playing computer games?

j$

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Sun May 14, 2006 12:16 pm

I watched it last night. It is hilarious!

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon May 29, 2006 3:51 pm

Q: What's the difference between a) oysters and b) watching your friends and family slowly die from cancer?

A: I don't like oysters.

catch · Post by **catch** » Mon May 29, 2006 4:59 pm

Q: What do 78% of battered women have in common?

A: They don't know when to shut the fuck up.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon May 29, 2006 5:41 pm

catch wrote:Q: What do 78% of battered women have in common?

A: They don't know when to shut the fuck up.

A2: A crispy, golden brown coating.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:21 pm

What's the difference between a bachelor party and a bulimic's birthday party?

At a bachelor party, the girl comes out of the cake.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:47 pm

A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit across from a Nun in
the front seat. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a
glimmer of her face. Gorgeous!

She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly
phenomenal body.

The hippie gets more and more excited until he finally
approaches the nun and says "Sister, I don't normally do this
sort of thing, but I'm very attracted to you. Can we get
together some time?"

The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets
off at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the
hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to
have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus
driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun
goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.

"With your long hair and beard," said the bus driver "you could
dress in white robes, tell her you're Jesus and command her to
have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out, so that Tuesday he goes
to the cemetery and waits for the nun.

Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of
praying the hippie walks out from hiding, wearing a hooded white
robe. "I am the Son of God, I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them, but you must have sex with me first."

The nun is flabbergasted but says she will concede to his wishes
with one condition - she asks for anal sex so she might keep her
virginity.

The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about going to work
on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his hood and shouts out,

"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replies by whipping off her hood and shouting,

"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

JonPorobil · Post by **JonPorobil** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:51 am

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a hooker with diarrhea?

A: One shucks between fits...

Q: What's the difference between a nun in the sanctuary and a nun in the bath?

A: One has a hope in her soul...

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmy warriors and a women's track team?

A: One's a cunning bunch of runts...

JonPorobil · Post by **JonPorobil** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:56 am

Q: How do you make an 8-year-old girl cry twice?

A: Wipe the blood off your dick with her teddy bear.

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:07 am

Nice ones, Jon.

This 85 year old man meets a 25 year old gorgeous woman, they fall in love and get married. On their wedding night, the woman suggest to him that they fool around and stuff, but sleep in separate rooms, because she's aware of her beauty and charms, and is afraid that in his advanced age, he might get too excited sleeping with her and have a heart attack or something. He reluctantly agrees, they make mad, passionate love, and he goes off to sleep in the second bedroom. Just as she's starting to drift off to sleep, there's a knock on the door, and it's him, with a gleam in his eye and a fierce erection. They go at it again, even more intensely than before, and when they're done, he goes off again. Sure enough, not an hour later, he's back, and raring to go again. The woman is amazed at this, and they once again fuck like rabbits. Not half an hour later, he knocks at her door again. She confesses to him that she has been with many men, and none of them even come close to his stamina. A bit confused, he asks "What do you mean?" and she replies "Well, three times in one night, and you want more! Most men a third of your age are done after once."

Completely bewildered now, he asks "You mean we've already had sex tonight?"

Märk · Post by **Märk** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:34 am

This one is for Jon:

Q:Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
A:Someone lost a quarter

Q:How do you make a Jew's brain explode?
A:Offer him free pork.

These are just jokes, of course. No matter how many banks or jewelry stores they own, I still like 'em.

Dirty Joke Thread (18+ ONLY!)

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